{"id":35776,"date":"2017-12-11T12:09:00","date_gmt":"2017-12-11T17:09:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/?p=35776"},"modified":"2017-12-11T20:04:30","modified_gmt":"2017-12-12T01:04:30","slug":"on-when-listening-is-better-than-talking-a-call-for-contemplation-and-empathy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/?p=35776","title":{"rendered":"On when listening is better than talking: A call for contemplation and empathy"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>The following is a reply from <a href=\"http:\/\/faculty.washington.edu\/ebender\/\">Emily M. Bender<\/a>, <a href=\"http:\/\/www.u.arizona.edu\/~nwarner\/\">Natasha Warner<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/sites.google.com\/ucsd.edu\/ebakovic\/\">myself<\/a> to Geoff Pullum\u2019s recent posts (<a href=\"http:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/?p=35641\">A letter saying they won<\/a>, 12\/4\/2017; <a href=\"http:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/?p=35688\">Courtesy and personal pronoun choice<\/a>, 12\/6\/2017).<\/p>\n<hr>\n<p>Respected senior linguist Geoffrey K. Pullum recently used the widely-read platform of Language Log to remark on the fact that his grammatical tolerance of singular <i>they<\/i> only goes so far (<a href=\"http:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/?p=35641\">A letter saying they won<\/a>, 12\/4\/2017). For Pullum, singular <i>they<\/i> cannot be used in reference to a personal name; example sentences such as <i>Kim<sub>i<\/sub> said they<sub>i<\/sub> were going to the store<\/i> are ungrammatical for him. This fact is not in dispute, nor is the fact that this is a salient grammaticality judgment for Pullum. What <i>is<\/i> in dispute, however, is the appropriateness of a series of choices that Pullum has made in reporting this grammaticality judgment. Those choices have clearly hurt people. The following is an effort to explain the hurt that these choices have caused and to give Pullum &#8212; and everyone from his defenders to those who don\u2019t see what all the fuss is about &#8212; another opportunity to respond with contemplation and empathy as opposed to defensiveness and continued disrespect.<\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p>To start, here's a very general rule that we feel is useful to follow in situations where one is in a conversation with someone who belongs to a group that lacks power (e.g. a transgender person, a person of color, in some cases a woman, etc.), where you are not a member of that group. If that person tells you that something you're saying is hurting them, <u>stop talking<\/u> and listen to them at length (if they're willing to talk to you) to find out why what you're doing is hurtful. Try to learn what you would need to change in order to not hurt them. Listen with an open mind. Perhaps most importantly, believe the other person\u2019s statement that you have been hurting them. Especially if you find yourself starting to feel defensive, stop talking until you have listened long enough to figure out what's going on. Continuing to talk before you understand is likely to make it worse. We recognize that it is probably a normal human reaction to defend one\u2019s behavior when challenged. It takes emotional preparation and effort to simply stop talking and listen when one is feeling defensive. We advocate this because we feel there is much to be gained in learning from others by putting in this emotional effort.<\/p>\n<p>We want to acknowledge at this point that many authors of color have said all this before, concerning interactions about race; see e.g. <a href=\"http:\/\/mashable.com\/2016\/01\/10\/ally-to-people-of-color\/#hVHTKXrr3SqZ\">this piece<\/a>, where the first point is \"Be willing to listen and learn.\" We do not pretend this advice is original. However, we find it important to emphasize that in discussions between a member of a group that lacks privilege and a member of a group that has that particular privilege, the first step is for the person who has that privilege to listen and learn rather than trying to speak as an authority. This transfers across various types of privilege: we have seen in recent months that the same things often apply in discussions of sexual harassment as in discussions of racial bias and LGBTQ issues.<\/p>\n<p>Now let's go back to the point in time when Pullum decided to post on Language Log concerning his grammaticality judgment about the limits of his use of singular <i>they<\/i>. It seems to us that there were three paths Pullum could have pursued here, knowing full well that he was commenting on a matter that intimately pertains to a group that lacks power.<\/p>\n<p>One path was to not post anything at all. This is an option that anyone with author access to a widely-read and well-respected blog like Language Log should always consider.<\/p>\n<p>The second would have been to (i) note the example of singular <i>they<\/i>, (ii) comment on the fact that this use is ungrammatical for him, and (iii) nevertheless express support and respect for those who have explicitly noted their preference to be referred to with this pronoun, despite how difficult it may seem to him to be to master its use given (ii). The following posts on Twitter give examples of how one might have done that:<\/p>\n<blockquote class=\"twitter-tweet\">\n<p lang=\"en\" dir=\"ltr\">(2) Though I don&#39;t have this particular form of &quot;singular they&quot;, I&#39;m learning. Bear with me if I make a mistake, but I also understand it&#39;s not the role of the marginalized to educate me. I&#39;ll do my best going forward. <br \/>Much Love, A Linguist.<\/p>\n<p>&mdash; Doug Bigham &#x2699;&#xfe0f; (@dsbigham) <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/dsbigham\/status\/938173753921503235?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw\">December 5, 2017<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/platform.twitter.com\/widgets.js\" charset=\"utf-8\"><\/script><\/p>\n<blockquote class=\"twitter-tweet\">\n<p lang=\"en\" dir=\"ltr\">How hard is it to write a post like: Isn&#39;t it cool some people now have true singular they! I don&#39;t though :( If you want me to use &quot;they&quot; for you, I might mess up sometimes but I don&#39;t mean to. Grammar *is* unconscious, but can be consciously changed over time. I&#39;m working on it<\/p>\n<p>&mdash; &#x1f332;&#x1f344;&#x1f332; (@rhenderson) <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/rhenderson\/status\/938617551998697472?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw\">December 7, 2017<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/platform.twitter.com\/widgets.js\" charset=\"utf-8\"><\/script><\/p>\n<p>Pullum instead chose the third option: to really only do (i) and (ii), and to reduce (iii) to this:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>I don't want to offend anyone. But it's a bit much to expect me to start saying things that are clearly and decisively ungrammatical according to my own internalized grammar. I'll do my best, but it will be a real struggle.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>This paragraph is preceded by an unfortunate decision to write \"that he is &#8212; sorry, that they are\" in reference to someone who explicitly prefers to be referred to with <i>they\/them<\/i>, and it is followed by a bizarre slippery-slope analogy to an imagined situation where someone may ask to only be referred to with pre-verbal object pronouns.* Whatever his intentions in these three paragraphs, the result has sent a clear message to those who support and respect personal pronoun preferences: that Geoffrey K. Pullum, Professor of Linguistics, considers his individual grammaticality judgments on singular <i>they<\/i> to be more significant than referring to people with pronouns that correctly reflect their gender.<\/p>\n<p>\"But wait,\" we hear some regular readers object, \"this is Language Log, where random comments on individual grammaticality judgments are a dime a dozen. One of the posts that put Language Log on the map, after all, was Pullum\u2019s own <a href=\"http:\/\/itre.cis.upenn.edu\/~myl\/languagelog\/archives\/001843.html\">\"Everything is correct\" vs. \"nothing is relevant\"<\/a> (1\/26\/2005), commenting specifically on the issue of individual grammaticality judgments.\" This is true, but note that we are not faulting Pullum for commenting on his grammaticality judgments (nor for those judgments themselves) \u2014 we are calling him out specifically for commenting on them <b>and not also doing (iii)<\/b>.<\/p>\n<p>Why are we using the Language Log platform to do this? Is this still really about language? It is, because the sociolinguistic issues surrounding personal pronoun preferences &#8212; and expressions of support and respect for those preferences by allies &#8212; are just as much a matter of language as anything else to be found on Language Log.<\/p>\n<p>It is unsurprising that Pullum's choices, and the equally unsurprising inferences many drew from them, led many who care about the relevant issues to want to respond, and to respond publicly. As regular readers well know, Pullum exercises his right as an independent Language Log author to leave the comments off for all of his posts. People who wanted to comment thus reasonably and predictably turned to social media, other blogs, and the comment threads on other Language Log posts to express themselves.<\/p>\n<p>Among those commenting was linguist Kirby Conrod, who has been researching pronoun use, from both syntactic and sociolinguistic perspectives. In addition, they have the lived experience of navigating the world as a non-binary person and negotiating pronoun use. Conrod had previously posted <a href=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/@kconrod\/how-to-do-the-absolute-minimum-with-pronouns-9be0eef5ff62\">a blog post over on their own Medium page<\/a> giving helpful guidance to those who, like Pullum, find it a challenge to adapt to new pronoun usage.<\/p>\n<p>Because Conrod's voice is particularly relevant in this discussion, we invited them to author a guest post for Language Log in response to Pullum, and fortunately they were willing to take this on. The result is posted as <a href=\"http:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/?p=35668\">If you can\u2019t say something nice\u2026<\/a>, 12\/5\/2017.<\/p>\n<p>Some respondents have suggested that Conrod\u2019s post was too combative, and have said that maybe a different tone would be more effective. Since this seems to be a common reaction from people who in the same message express support for those asking others to respect their pronouns, we want to address it here. While we think the goal of advocating for civil communication in general is a good one, we also think that it has to be done with a sensitivity to privilege and to power differentials. Pullum is a long-established figure in the field. He is also a member of the more privileged group on most dimensions. So when he writes something that starts with an apparently \"reasonable\" tone he's bringing to bear the weight of all of that privilege (deliberately or not) &#8212; in this case in a way that directly causes harm to marginalized people.**<\/p>\n<p>In cases like this, we believe that the best way forward for those with privilege on the relevant dimension is to listen to those who are hurt, and to lift up their voices. If they are angry, they have the right to express that anger. Advising them to do otherwise is almost certainly going to be tone policing. (See <a href=\"https:\/\/everydayfeminism.com\/2015\/12\/tone-policing-and-privilege\/\">this piece<\/a> for an excellent explanation of this term.) If the people hurt by this aren't given space to show their anger, then how can those whose privilege prevents experiencing it directly have a chance to learn and understand? Furthermore, people in groups that lack power often experience hurtful or even physically dangerous situations based on their membership in a group every day. There are frequently violent attacks against transgender people on the street, for example. The emotional cost of dealing with verbal challenges such as Pullum's and the danger of potential violence every day take a toll that could reasonably lead a person to respond with anger. (For a clear discussion of the connection between linguistic choices in the media and real world violence, see <a href=\"https:\/\/theestablishment.co\/deadnaming-a-trans-person-is-violence-so-why-does-the-media-do-it-anyway-19500eda4b4\">\"Deadnaming A Trans Person Is Violence\u200a&#8211;\u200aSo Why Does The Media Do It Anyway?\"<\/a>, by Sam Riedel.) In such cases, if people are willing to put the emotional energy into communicating that anger, those with privilege would do well to learn from it. Those of us who have several types of privilege (e.g. white, middle-class, straight) may not realize how much stress is caused by being a member of a marginalized group, and how that daily stress can lead a person to express anger. An analogy that may make this easier to understand is a bicycle commuter who lashes out in anger because of the stress they experience daily that a car driver does not experience (see <a href=\"https:\/\/alittlemoresauce.com\/2014\/08\/20\/what-my-bike-has-taught-me-about-white-privilege\/\">here<\/a>).<\/p>\n<p>If a reader thinks there are people who can be reached more effectively with a gentler approach, then one can try to engage them with that approach (from the standpoint of an ally) in addition to what the folks directly affected (such as Conrod) are doing. But trying to tell marginalized people how to fight their fight isn't productive or helpful. Sometimes a member of a marginalized group expresses anger, and this may make members of a privileged group uncomfortable. But dealing with that discomfort rather than telling the marginalized person not to express it is part of the learning process, part of the listening advocated above.<\/p>\n<p>To conclude, we advocate for thoughtful, respectful, introspective behavior among academics toward other academics. This means that people with privilege (whether because of gender identity, sexual orientation, race, position in academia, age, or any other category) should avoid inflicting hurt on people without that privilege. All humans make mistakes, whether in failing to use someone\u2019s correct pronoun or in saying something hurtful in some other way without realizing it. How one behaves when one finds out that one has done something hurtful is the important part. This returns to our initial point: if someone who belongs to a marginalized group tells you you are hurting them by something you say, we advocate stopping and listening with an open mind to try to understand how not to cause hurt, rather than defending yourself or trying to act as an authority figure on the issue. We thank you for reading.<\/p>\n<hr>\n<p>Additional resources, beyond those linked to in the text above:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.glaad.org\/transgender\/allies\">How to be a better ally to transgender people<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/trans-talk\/10-steps-faculty-can-take-to-support-trans-students-bfac0967fb94\">Ways to support transgender students as a faculty member<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.huffingtonpost.com\/christopher-lawrence\/how-to-be-a-better-ally-in-2017_b_13932312.html\">How to be a better ally in general<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.hrc.org\/resources\/violence-against-the-transgender-community-in-2017\">Violence against transgender people<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC3962770\/\">Stress caused by being a member of a marginalized group<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Furthermore, googling \"How to be a better ally\" pulls up numerous articles, many written by members of marginalized communities. These are a good learning resource.<\/p>\n<hr>\n<p>Footnotes:<\/p>\n<p>* What makes this analogy bizarre is that it misunderstands what pronoun choices are about. People aren't asking other people to make arbitrary changes in their grammar. Rather, people are asking for their gender to be recognized in others' speech about them. Since case, grammatical function, word order, etc. don't reflect gender, they are never relevant to this discussion.<\/p>\n<p><p>** Furthermore, Pullum then posted a response on Language Log (<a href=\"http:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/?p=35688\">Courtesy and personal pronoun choice<\/a>, 12\/6\/2017) that failed to properly address the hurt caused by his original post and that furthermore castigated respondents to that post. (Conrod has posted <a href=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/@kconrod\/dear-geoff-bcd84286faa9\">a short reply to Pullum\u2019s reply<\/a> on Medium, which we hope everyone following this story will also read.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The following is a reply from Emily M. Bender, Natasha Warner and myself to Geoff Pullum\u2019s recent posts (A letter saying they won, 12\/4\/2017; Courtesy and personal pronoun choice, 12\/6\/2017). Respected senior linguist Geoffrey K. Pullum recently used the widely-read platform of Language Log to remark on the fact that his grammatical tolerance of singular [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,93,27,91,248],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-35776","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-changing-times","category-language-and-gender","category-singular-they","category-sociolinguistics","category-usage"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35776","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=35776"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35776\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":35781,"href":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35776\/revisions\/35781"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=35776"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=35776"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu\/nll\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=35776"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}