Joseph R. "Airman" Cooper, aka Coop
Doug "Sir Swish" Remer
Kenny "Little Bitch" Scolari, aka Squeak
Jenna Reed
Yvette Denslow
Ted Denslow
Baxter Cain
World Series Announcer (voice)
Little Coop
Little Remer
Dirk Jansen
New Jersey Informant
Wilke, New Jersey Informant
San Antonio Defender
Mime Psych-Out
Peripatetic Player
Heather Kaiser
Brittany Kaiser
Dr. Kaiser
Skidmark Steve
News Anchor
Hospital Nurse
Surgery Nurse
Driveway Announcer
Driveway Player
Beerswear Factory Manager
Susan, Denslow's Niece
Riverdance Referee
Sumo Wrestler/Masseur
Narrator (voice)
Beer Barrel

Beers Cheerleaders

Felons Cheerleaders


Reel Big Fish, the Beers Team Band

(uncredited) Baseketball Referee
Denslow's Assistant
Foul Shooter, San Francisco Ferries
LA World Series Pitcher
Child Who Needs Help
Sharon, Pole-Dancing Cheerleader
Minnesota Spokesman
Beers Ballgirl
BASEketball Player (Maxwell)
Trey Parker
Matt Stone
Dian Bachar
Yasmine Bleeth
Jenny McCarthy
Ernest Borgnine
Robert Vaughn
Trevor Einhorn
Curt Gowdy
Justin Chapman
Matthew Murray
Marc Goodson
Matt Sloan
Peter Navy Tuiasosopo
Robert E. Lee
Greg Grunberg
Michael Garvey
Paul Michael Robinson
Kevin Michael Richardson
Micah McCain
Cory Oliver
Keith Gibbs
Jayme Gallante
Francis X. McCarthy
Blair Besten
Stanley G. Sawicki
Bret Lewis
Richard Johnson
Joey Diaz (as Joey 'Coco' Diaz)
Michael Matthys
Jill Gascoine
Charlotte Zucker
John Fink
Kato Kaelin
David Alan Osokow
Iqbal Theba
Susan Breslan
Danielle Zucker
Maureen ArdolinoInheritor
Father Andrew Herman
Jeff Wright
Ray Xifo
Titus Napoleon
Stephen McHattie
Julie Dolan
Janeane Ardolino
Jeremy Breslau
Adam Lilling
Phoebe Lipkis
Alma Avery
Nancy Bates
Kelly Camarena
Brooke Morales (as Brooke Moore)
Heidi Schweitzer
Jenifer Strovas
Andrea Weinzel
Michelle Boehle
Tani Kristiansen
Rebecca Lin
Jeanine Orci
Jessica Page
Raydeen Revilla
Chanel Ryan
Bob Costas
Al Michaels
Reggie Jackson
Dan Patrick
Kenny Mayne
Tim McCarver
Pat O'Brien
Jim Lampley
Dale Earnhardt
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Victoria Silvstedt
Aaron Barrett: Vocals & Guitar
Grant Barry: Trombone
Andrew Gonzales: Drums
Scott Klopfenstein: Trumpet & Vocals
Dan Regan: Trombone
Tavis Werts: Trumpet
Matt Wong: Bass
Mike Butters
David Cox
Cameron Glenar
Casey Hendershot
Charles Hough
Jessica Lee
Robert McGowen
Kelly Monaco
Raphael Sbarge
C.B. Spencer
Robert Stack
Dylan Tarason

Intro:[Opening credits. A cheering crowd begins to be heard as the globe becomes a baseketball. Cut to a baseball game. Reggie Jackson is at back]
Announcer:["Reggie! Reggie! Reggie! Reggie! ..."] Reggie Jackson is having an incredible night. Two for two, with a walk. Four runs batted in, and he's already hit two home runs tonight. [An LED readout says "...ONE MORE TIME"] Just listen to that crowd!
Crowd:Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie!
Boy 1:[blond] Come on, Reggie! Hit another one! Hit another home run!
Boy 2:[brunet with curly hair and glasses] Coop, he's already hit two. [the pitcher releases the ball, and Jackson hits the ball to right field.]
Announcer:It's a fly ball to right and deep! [the ball is headed for the boys] That's going to be way back! And that's going to be.gone! [the ball ends up in Coop's glove] Reggie Jackson gets his third home run of the game! [Coop lowers his glove to look at the ball and marvels at it in there. His friend congratulates him with pats on the back. Reggie rounds the bases]
Boy 2:Good catch, Coop.
Coop:I can't believe it!
Boy 2:I mean, I totally had it, but my glasses slipped.
Coop:You know what, Remer? Someday, I'm gonna become a big sports star, too.
Remer:Whatever you say, Coop.
Coop:You just watch me, dude. You just watch me.
Narrator:[Reggie rounds third and heads for home] There was a time in America when contests of athletic prowess were a metaphor for the nobility of man. Historic moments forged by the love of the game celebrated the human potential to achieve excellence. [Reggie touches home plate] But as time passed, and the country neared the millennium, something went awry.
Announcer:[American football is shown] Manning rolls right. He's got ground at the ten. [Manning begins to dance into the end zone] Then five. Touchdown, Dallas! [Manning throws the ball down and begins to dance]
Narrator:The ideal of sportsmanship began to take a back seat to excessive celebration. [two more players join him, then the rest of the team joins them in a chorus line dancing to "Riverdance"] The athletes caring less about executing the play than planning the vulgar grandstanding that inevitably followed even the most pedestrian of accomplishments. [a player grabs a referee and the referee joins in the dance] The games themselves became subordinate to the quest for money. [Corestates Center in Philadelphia, North-South Airlines Arena in Nashville, Consolidated Transnational Stadium in Charlotte, Preparation H Arena, Maxi Tampon Stadium] Stadiums and arenas became nothing more than giant billboards to promote commercial products. Players sold their services to the highest bidder, much like the hired guns of the Old West.
Football Player:And after playing for New England, San Diego, Houston, St. Louis, a year for the Toronto Argonauts, plus one season as a greeter at the Desert Inn, I'm happy to finally play here in the fine city of Miami! [applause as he holds up his new jersey, TOWNSELL]
Official:[rises and whispers into his ear] Minnesota. [sits down]
Townsell:Whatever. [grins big] Shiiit.
Narrator:Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. [a US map is shown. Lines are drawn: New York to Oklahoma, Oregon to San Diego to Florida] The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles, where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee, where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City, where they don't allow music. The Oakland Raiders moved to L.A. and then back to Oakland. No one in Los Angeles seemed to notice. The search for greener pastures went on unabated. [more lines are drawn from state to state and then to places overseas] Continued expansion diluted the talent pool, forcing owners to recruit heavily from prisons, mental institutions, and Texas. [fights in baseball, soccer, football, and hockey are shown. In the hockey brawl, one player smacks the head off the opposing player, and the head ends up in front of the goalie, who gags] Fist-fighting and brawling permeated every sport, overshadowing any evidence of competition. As the problems mounted, the fans became less and less interested. [large chunks of bleachers sit empty] To reverse the trend, major sports started interleague play. When that novelty wore off, they tried intersports play. [a pitcher throws the ball, and a football player smacks it away. A fielder almost catches the ball when the football player tackles him. The referee rushes in and calls him safe] But no matter how far the major sports went, it wasn't enough to bring the fans back. The spirit of athletic competition, indeed, was not dead. Its sead merely lay dormant in the dreams of the young. [the young Coop is shown once again beaming with his newly caught ball in his glove as Remer pats him on the back.]
Coop:"You know, Remer? Someday, I'm gonna become a big sports star."
[Present day, at a house porch, night. Coop is taking a piss on some bushes]
Coop:You know, Remer? Someday, I'm gonna own a big sports bar.
Remer:[at the door, rings the bell] Hurry it up, Coop. [a Christmas wreath hangs on the door. Remer holds some Coors beer cans, Coop has the case under his right arm.]
Coop:Oh I just gotta water the plants. [finishes up and closes his zipper as Remer tries to get a good look inside. Coop turns and approaches Remer] I don't wanna go to a party with a bunch of losers from hich school.
Remer:But dude, this is Brittany Kaiser's house, and I really, really wanna fuck her. [the door opens and a man stands there]
Remer, Coop:[noticing] Dr. Kaiser!
Coop:Coop and Remer. [Dr. Kaiser fixes his gaze on them.]
Remer:We graduated with Brittany.
Dr. Kaiser:You graduated?
Coop:[the guys laugh] 'Course we graduated, cock. Beer?
[The Kaiser house. Coop and Remer enter and walk around. A banner at the back of the living room says, "BON VOYAGE BRITTANY"]
Remer:Man, this place looks like a Dockers commercial.
Coop:[takes a sip of his Coors, then recognozes someone] Oh hey, Steph!
Steph:[a brunette wearing a red dress, turns and smiles] Coop! Remer! Heh.
Coop:[presents the case] Hey, you wanna beer? [he and Remer grin]
Steph:Oh my God, you guys haven't changed siince high school! [giggles]
Coop:Oh, cool! [grins]
Steph:No it isn't! [giggles. Coop looks dejected. Remer's grin turns into a grimace. A few seconds later they walk off]
Coop:...Cock. [recognizes another person] Hey, Skidmark Steve!
Remer:Hey dude. [Steve looks up from his drink, then focuses for a better look]
Coop:Oh, cool. You still just hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?
Steve:Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school. And I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to? [takes a sip of wine]
Coop:...Hangin' out [Remer takes a swig of beer] ...playin' Nintendo. [they walk off] ...cock.
Steve:Hm. [returns to his drink and his date. Coop and Remer approach someone they both recognize. Remer gives a signal to Coop]
Woman:[to her date] Yeah, I'm all packed. Should be fun.
Coop:[in a deeper voice, to the woman] Hi, Brittany.
Brittany:Why? [realizes she's being addressed from elsewhere, turns and tries to find some words] Coop. Remer. [Coop takes a swig of beer, Remer bounces] I didn't think you guys would show up.
Remer:Well, we wouldn't miss your party. [Coop shakes his head in agreement]
Brittany:No. I mean, I don't remember putting you on the guest list.
Coop:Huh... Well uh, Ted told us about it. [Remer nods affirmatively]
Brittany:[bites her lower lip] 'Scuse me [her boyfriend looks away as she turns to face him] Ted, why did you tell those losers about the party?
Remer:[checking Brittany out, shows his tongue] Mm. Mm!
Ted:I, I I I I...
Brittany:What are you doing?? [their argument continues]
Coop:Dude, this party sucks. Let's bail.
Remer:[stops him and says in a low voice] No dude, let's go up to Brittany's room.
[A room upstairs. Coop stands at a dresser and pulls out the top drawer. The sound of running water is heard form elsewhere]
Coop:Remer! Come in here. [Remer stands at a bidet in the bathroom drinking from its fountain. He rises and enters the bedroom] Check it out. [Coop pulls out some clothes] Brittany's underwear, dude.
Remer:Ohhh, dude. [they start rubbing their faces in it. Remer draws a vibrator] Dude! dude dude!
Coop:[looks in wonder] Ohhh...
Remer:[playing with the vibrator] Oh I am sooo jealous of you. [Coop returns to rubbing his face in the underwear as Remer begins to lick the vibrator.]
Coop:[looks in wonder] Oh, yeah... [Brittany wanders in and looks.]
Brittany:'Scuse me...
Coop:[turns to face her, lowers the underwear] Brittany.
Brittany:What are you guys doing in my mom's room? [Remer freezes in position. Coop turns and unfurls the underwear he's holding. It's a very large red panty]
Coop:[instantly disgusted] Awww! Awww awww! [runs out of the room] Awww awww!
Brittany:Get out of here!
Remer:[fumbles the vibrator, but manages to run out of the room with it] Oh! Jeez!
[The backyard, on the driveway outside the four-door garage. Coop and Remer walk to the driveway, which has a half-court drawn on it. A basketball rim hangs over the doors]
Remer:Dude, we're never gonna get a chick like Brittany Kaiser, are we?
Coop:[reaches down and picks up a basketball] Or any other chick. And it's only 'cause we have no jobs. [takes a lazy shot and scores. Remer goes for the ball] Our rent check's three months overdue and, our gas is about to get shut off. [sips his beer]
Remer:What do girls want, anyway? [takes a lazy shot and scores, then sips his beer]
Coop:[takes the rebound] Well, apparently not total losers. [shoots and scores, then sips his beer]
Remer:We're pretty good at basketball. [takes the ball, shoots and scores, then sips his beer]
Coop:Yeah, as long as we don't have to run or jump or dribble or nothing. You know what I mean? [takes the ball, shoots and scores, then sips his beer]
Remer:[holds the ball] Ah, shit's overrated anyway.
Ted:Hey! [camera switch to two couples. One of them is Ted and Brittany.] You guys up for a little game?
Ted:Well, let's make it interesting. Say, twenty bucks?
Coop:[the guys think a moment] How about fifty?
Ted:You're on! [takes the ball from Remer] Here we go.
Man:Let's go, here we go.
Remer:Dude, we don't have fifty bucks.
Coop:[retorts] We don't have twenty. Dude, it doesn't matter. How good can they be? [Ted and has partner take turns shooting and scoring, dunking, etc. Coop and Remer pay attention] Oh shit. [close-up on their opponents, displaying their talents]
Ted:Ally oop, ally oop!
Player:[scores with a dunk] Yeah!
Ted:Come on, ladies. We playing or not?
Coop:Yeah, but... not that ...pussy-ass two-on-two you guys play in the suburbs.
Man:What, you guys got somethin' better? [their girlfriends look on]
Remer:Yeah... But, it's this new game we, we picked up in the 'hood.
Ted:So what is it?
Coop:[Remer looks at him] Okay. Okay. I shoot.. from... wherever I want, right? And then... you have to make that same shot, or else you get a letter.
Ted:You mean like Horse?
Coop:[indignant] No it's not like Horse! [Remer and Coop blow raspberries repeatedly] Duh! It's uh... It's baseball rules. [Ted and his teammate shift positions]
Remer:Yeah. [walks around behind Coop] Like, a single's from the three-point line.
Coop:Right. And a double's from the top of the key.
Remer:You can't shoot from the same place twice.
Coop:And a, a triple's from back here. [backs up to the table by the bushes] And a home run's from behind the meatballs.
Remer:You miss, and you get an out. Ready?
Coop, Remer:Break!
Man:Whoa, what?
Coop:We can explain it more slowly if you need us to; you're not big sports guys? [the girls look at Coop and Remer, then at Ted and his teammate]
Ted:No, no, no...
Man:Nono, no, we get it. We get it, man. [he and Ted make their way to the outer court]
Remer:Losers up first.
Man:So... [gets into position] what, let me get this straight. This is a single, right?
Ted:Yeah, and a home run is behind the meatballs.
Coop:Come on, take your shot, guy. [takes a sip of beer. The man shoots, and in the act of shooting Coop spits out his beer at him. The man misses the shot]
Man:[startled, mad] What was that, man! You can't spit beer at me while I'm shootin'! You got it all o-!
Coop:Aw, that's one out. Don't look at us, that's how we play in the hood. I can do whatever I want to make you miss your shot.
Remer:He's right. That's one out.
Coop:One out.
Ted:One out? Gimme the damn ball! [grabs the ball and faces off against Remer. Ted shoots...]
Remer:Fucked your sister.
Ted:Huh??? [the ball bounces off the rim and away. The game picks up]
Coop:Coop lines up for a double. [shoots and scores]
Remer:Okay, guy on second and third. [shoots and scores]
Coop:Got a runner on third, this could bring him home. [shoots and scores. The guests take notice and begin to gather on the lawn. Coop is humming at Ted. Ted shoots and misses] Yes! Two outs!
Ted:[grumbles] God, this is so-!
Remer:Come on! [faces Ted's teammate with a quarter-watermelon wedge. The man shoots, and Remer responds with a spit of watermelon juice to the man's eye. The teammate misses his shot]
Coop:[as Ted shoots] Ted Nugent- [and misses. Remer takes the rebound and scores.] Oh, tip-in. Double play. That's three outs!
Coop:[to Remer] We're up. [to Ted] It's double play, jackass! [Remer shoots and scores.]
A guest:That's nice, real nice.
Coop:Bottom of the eighth. This could almost seal it. [shoots and scores. Their opponents lower their eyes] Oh, he made that look easy! [moments later, Ted takes a shot. Coop takes a picture as Remer stands there with a stupid pose next to Ted. Ted misses the shot and breaks a garage door window]
Ted:Aaaagh! Shit! Come on, man! Why'dja-? [Coop gives him the Polaroid picture he just took]
Remer:[pulls a hair from his teeth as Ted's teammate takes a shot] Aw, one of Brittany's mom's pubic hairs!
Man:[misses the shot] Ogh, God!
Brittany:[in disgust] Ogh!
Man:[in disgust] Come on, man!
Coop:Dude, we win the game! Dude, that was a sweet psych-out!
Remer:[pulls out another hair] Oh dude! There's another one! [Ted and teammate go back to their girlfriends, who receive them in their arms] Now what the hell's up with that?! We win the game and they get the chicks! That sucks, dude! [he and Coop begin to walk away]
Coop:Dude, I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks. Starting tomorrow, we gotta stop playing games.
[Next day, at another house. Coop and Remer practice their new sport at its garage. Coop takes aim...]
Remer:Miss it. Steeeve Perry. [the ball sails for the basket] Steeeve Perry. [the ball bounces off the rim]
Coop:[squats slightly in disappointment] Aagh!
Remer:[with the ball, walks to his mark] Yes. Three outs. I'm up.
Coop:[takes his place in defense] All right, it's the bottom of the fifth.
Male Voice:Joseph R. Cooper? [a man in uniform walks onto the driveway]
Remer:[shoots and scores] Single, man on first. [the man looks at Remer as Coop takes the ball.]
Man:[looks at Coop] Are you Joe Cooper?
Coop:[walks towards Remer] Cut the crap, Squeak. You know who I am. [tosses the ball to Remer]
Squeak:[holds up a small clipboard with a small form attached] Gentlemen, this form authorizes me to interrupt your property and terminate all services forthwith until all delinquent payments have been generated. [Coop glances over at the form]
Coop:Dude, he's here to shut off the gas. [looks up at the basket]
Remer:Weak, dude, you work for the gas company now? [shoots and scores]
Squeak:[serious] Gentlemen-
Remer:Double! Guy on second and third. [Coop gets the ball]
Squeak:Is your canine locked up and/or safely secured within your domicile?
Coop:Ahh, yeah, he's at the vet getting his claws removed. [tosses the ball to Remer]
Squeak:Okay, if you will excuse me... [walks to the side of the house]
Remer:Dude, does it just suck being you? [Squeak pauses a moment, then opens the side gate]
Squeak:[enters and closes the gate behind him] I'll show those guys what sssucks.
Coop:[as Remer goes for the shot] Steve Perry. Steve Perry. And I should have been go-one. After all. Oh yeah, you missed it!
Squeak:[steps onto something squishy] Oh! Damnit. [It was a pile of dogpoo. He goes about cleaning it off with a pen]
Remer:I said no more Journey psych-outs.
Coop:Dude, I'm running out of ideas. [a Doberman runs up out of nowhere and lunges at Squeak and begins mauling him]
Squeak:Aaah!! Oooh!! Aaah!! [Coop and Remer argue about the shot, not paying attention to the screaming]
Remer:...easier than that!
Coop:That's why we have this little short shot from over here.
Remer:A short shot. Kind of like a bunt. [Squeak sails over the top of the gate and onto the driveway]
Remer:Oh yeah.
Coop:It doesn't put any runners on base. [Squeak gets up and gathers himself, but he's in tatters]
Remer:Yeah, that's a sweet idea.
Squeak:[livid] YOU LIED TO ME!! AGAIN!!
Coop:...Oh right, I guess the dog's vet appointment is tomorrow, isn't it. [walks away]
Remer:We put the cat in today. Honest mistake, Squeak. Sorry. [walks away. They resume honing their game]
Coop:All right, all right all right, you little bitch. Here, why don't you take a shot? [tosses the ball to Squeak.]
Squeak:[struggles to get the ball, but finally holds it] I don't wanna take a shot! I wanna turn off your gas! And don't call me bitch!
Coop:Okay, Squeak. Let's just shoot for it.
Squeak:Shoot for it?? What are you, insane?! This is my JOB, you assholes!
Coop:Look, it's a good deal. All you gotta do is make a single, from right here, and you can shut off our gas, and we'll never call you Squeak again. [Remer nods in agreement]
Squeak:Or bitch.
Coop, Remer:[look at each other] Or bitch.
Squeak:[thinks a moment, then stands between them] From right here?
Coop, Remer:Mhm.
Squeak:[gets into position, looks at Remer, then Coop] All right. Check this shit out.
Coop:Steeve [Squeak shoots] Perry
Squeak:Huh? [the ball bounces off the garage roof and onto the side of the garage, hitting the Doberman, who yelps in pain]
Remer:Tough break, Squeak. [the Doberman growls]
Coop:Yeah, you've gotta fetch the ball, bitch. [the Doberman pushes against the gate, which rocks back and forth. Reluctantly, Squeak goes to get the ball]
[Three months later, afternoon. A crowd is gathered around the driveway as a game is in progress. Coop is on third base waiting to come home and Squeak is at the double square ready to make a basket]
Coop:Come on, Squeak. We'll win the game with this one, baby. Bring me home! [Squeak shoots and scores] Yes!! [Coop leaves third and goes home] That's it! We win the game!
Remer:Dude, we got five runs that inning.
Coop:Yeah I know. You know, this game is pretty badass.
Man:[voice only] All right, another game? We're up. [a woman reaches over and marks down another timeout] Top of the first.
Coop:[as his opponent shoots] Yo Tyler. I hear your sister's going out with Squeak!
Tyler:What? [stumbles] Ugh! [the ball misses the basket]
Coop:[gets the ball and barks an order] Mark me down for another psych-out.
Squeak:Hey... I'm not going out with his sister.
Coop:Dude, that's the defense. You gotta psych 'em out! [throws the ball to the opposition]
Remer:Yeah, we've gotta say totally fucked up shit to make sure the other guy misses.
Squeak:Ohh riight. [thinks a moment] Hey wait a minute!! Why is saying I'm going out with his sister totally fucked up?!
Coop:Yo Pierce. I hear your mom is going out with Squeak! [Pierce is distracted and shoots the ball. It hits Squeak and bounces away] Oh yes! Two outs!
[Later, after the game is over. Coop works with a blowtorch and welding helmet. The front door opens and Remer and Sueak enter. Coop turns off the torch and rises]
Remer:Okay, so you're gonna owe 1/12 of the rent, 1/12 of the water bill, 1/12 of the power bill-
Coop:Dude. [holds up his creation]
Remer:-1/12 of the cable bill... [looks at a homemade baseball the size of a basketball]
Coop:Check it out.
Remer:What's that?
Coop:It's a baseketball.
Remer:Whoa, dude, you made a ball? [Coop nods] Out of what? [Coop turns around and steps aside. All three men look at the ruins of an easy chair, down bulging out from the cuts made to the upholstery. Remer spins the ball in his hands until he sees the brand name on the ball: LA-Z-BOY]
[later. Remer is showing Squeak around]
Remer:Hey dude, I can't believe those asswipes fired you for not shutting off our gas for six weeks.
Squeak:It was losin' the truck that pissed them off the most.
Remer:Well you can camp out here for a while. [they enter a spare room]
Squeak:Well this is pretty sweet. [sees a couch and settles in on it] Does this couch fold out to a bed?
Remer:Yeah, a totally great bed. But that's Jenkin's bed. Your bed's over here. [points to a corner of the room. In that corner is a small cardboard box with a few items inside]
Squeak:[takes a look] Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?!
Coop:[enters eating from a bowl] Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hangin' out of your zipper.
Squeak:...Yeah I could.
Remer:No, dude. You're a little bitch.
Squeak:I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys.
Coop:'Cause you're a piece of shit. [takes another spoonful of food]
Squeak:I am not a piece of shit!
Remer:Well yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Coop:Sure are. [another bite]
Squeak:[frustrated] God-damnit man! I swear, you guys rip on me thirteen or fourteen more times, I'm out of here!
Remer:Yeah, whatever. [Squeak tries to make the corner a bit more comfortable]
Coop:Dude, I gotta show you this scoreboard I made. [turns and walks out. Remer follows. Squeak watches them leave, then throws down the towel he was holding]
Squeak:This place is a shithole anyway! [looks around the room, then goes to open some windowed doors. They swing out] Well, at least I'm on the team. [puts his hands on his hips and beams] Yeah. They want me-AAAAAH! [the Doberman lunges through the window at him and knocks him down]
[Six months later, night. The crowd for this game is even bigger, and it's gettig local television coverage. Coop's team now has team sweatshirts that say "Shirts" on them. Remer is waiting to come home, Coop is shooting. As Coop prepares to shoot, the following is heard]
Announcer:Joe Bryant, WIGN. At the scene where an unusual new driveway game has captured the imagination of at least one neighborhood...
Announcer 2:[female] The young and old have gathered here tonight, really enjoying this championship game...
Announcer 3:[male] The entire league has sprung up around this quirky...
Announcer 4:The Round Robin, starting with twelve teams in June, now down to just two, including, we're told, the inventors of the game, childhood friends... [Coop shoots. The basebetball hits the backboard]
Announcer 5:It's off the rim, could be a double-play... [a player takes the rebound and shoots] Maxwell tips... [the ball misses the basket and another man takes a shot] Newman's try... [Newman shoots, but misses. The ball bounces off the backboard] No! Shirts have the shot, the conversion... [Remer looks at the ball, Coop moves up] Remerrrr... [Remer makes his move and tips the ball back up] keeps it alive. [the ball bounces off the backboard and Coop sails up to the basket] Last chance... [Coop tips the ball up once more] Coop... Up... [the ball hits the backboard and falls into the basket] Good!! They get the conversion! And the home run's good! [everyone cheers as Coop goes around the bases. The winners hug each other in celebration] What a game! The Shirts win the World Championship of Baseketball! [the Shirts are given their trophy, a large plain ceramic bowl]
Man:[elderly but robust, makes his way through the crowd] Gentlemen. Gentlemen. [catches up to Coop and Remer] Gentlemen, I'm Ted Denslow.
Coop:[softly] Ted Denslow, [normal] billionaire?
Denslow:Yes. Anyway, I like your little game here. How'd you like to go pro?
Coop:[laughs] Baseketball?
Denslow:I got three words for ya. National. Baseketball. League.
Coop:[flatly] We're not interested. [turns and pulls Remer away with him]
Denslow:Now wait a minute, hear me out! Now you kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg [Coop mouths "Dan Fogelberg" in disbelief], your Zima, hula hoops and Pac-Man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds. [holds his thumb and index finger apart just a bit. Remer stands transfixed by a chirping bird on a branch right above him. Coop sees this, then rolls his eyes]
Coop:I hear you.
Denslow:Just look at these people. [shot of seven men perched on the roof of a house. They perform the Wave as Coop looks over at them. A man walks by and gives his congratulations: "Way to go, Coop." Coop looks in acknowledgment] I can see they feel a certain connection with you as players. Baseketball, we can start fresh. Not allow teams to change cities or... players to be traded. And everybody will get paid the same! Just like when I was a kid, and players were treated like, like...
Coop:Indentured servants?
Denslow:Yes! [Coop nods knowingly] And the real beauty of this game... is anyone can play. Any normal Joe can be a sports hero. Haven't you ever wanted to be a sports hero?
Coop:[turns away] Sure, once. But that... was a long time ago.
Denslow:Well if I know anything about this country, [Coop looks again] America will go nuts over baseketball! [Coop notices some commotion on the roof, and his eyes bug out. The guys up there begin stumbling. Two men fall off. Remer is still transfixed by that bird.] I mean American will go crazy for baseketball!! [the third man falls off.]
Man:Help! Oh my God! [The crowd below begins to mobilize to help the fallen men]
Denslow:Yehes!! [the fourth man falls off] There! Just listen to that crowd! Listen to that crowd!
Woman:[the fifth man falls off.] Call an ambulance!! [Coop looks away, lost in thought]
[Five years later, in a new stadium. Reel Big Fish is playing on stage to a cheering crowd. The camera moves off the band, pans across the bleachers and over the playing field. The target is a yellow garage façade with a basketball hoop hanging from it. The nine shooting positions are laid out radiating from second base, which is under the basket. Mats that look like sidewalks stretch across the foul regions. A team mascot is present - a large keg of beer with the tap before the groin area. The umpires skate around as cheerleaders dance for the crowd. The camera reaches Coop's dugout, where Coop stands waiting for the game to resume. He is in a Beers uniform. The rack of balls next to him contains baseketballs made by Spaulding - just basketballs painted to look like baseballs, complete with stitching. On the stadium wall opposite him are two vertical banners of him and Remer - Coop Cooper, #44, Airman, and Doug Remer, #17, Sir Swish. A third one comes into view - Squeak Scolari, #23, Little Bitch]
Reel Big Fish: I say she never cared and that she never will.
I'd do it all again; I guess I'll have to wait until then.
If i get drunk well, I'll pass out on the floor now baby;
You won't bother me no more.
If you're drinkin' well, you know that you're my friend and I say
"I think I'll have myself a beer"
Commentator: Ninth inning, the Beers still behind by three runs, and now down to their last out. [Coop reaches for the rack and feels out each baseketball to see which one he'll use for his shot] And the pressure on these players has got to be enormous. [Coop reaches for his homemade ball, the LA-Z-BOY, and turns to his team]
Coop:[pacing] All right you guys, we have one out left. We're not beat yet; we can still win this thing. Can we do it?
Coop:[leaving the dugout] Can we do it?!
Team: Yeah!! [the members rise and clap for him, cheering]
Michaels:And what a game these fans are seeing. [the camera pans and rests on Denslow. A man hands Denslow a hot dog and sits to his left] That gentleman, of course, Beers owner Ted Denslow, the father of professional baseketball, along with his lovely new wife, Yvette. [a blonde wearing a gold-colored coat with fur collar.]
Announcer:Now shooting, #44, Coop "Airrrman" Cooper! [Coop limbers up by working out with a practice basebetball. The ball has an iron doughnut clamped onto it. A female assistant holds his LA-Z-BOY until he reaches for it. She then sets down the practice ball as he goes out to cheers of "COOP! COOP! COOP! COOP! ..."]
Michaels:Coop is heading for the triple square, and Bob Costas, this has to be one of the most exciting baseketball games in recent memory. [the two commentators are shown in their booth. Costas is to the left]
Costas:Hard to believe that just five years ago this game was played only on driveways
Michaels:[admiring the cheerleaders] Yeah, and it's hard to believe that just five years ago those girls were only in grade school. [Costas looks at him in disbelief, then looks around for any strange stimuli. Coop approaches the square] So Coop at the triple line, and Jansen sets up for the psych-out. [A sneering Dallas player]
Jansen:Hey Coop!
Coop:[holds up his left index finger] Be right with you, hero. [Jansen looks away, then looks back, but the ball has left Coop's hands. The ball goes through the hoop. The scoreboard is shown, and at the bottom it reads "Welcome to Beers Garden"]
Michaels:It's good!
Costas:Oho, nothing but net. [Coop pumps his right arm and goes around the bases. The crowd cheers him on. Jansen looks on in frustration] Coop triples again. He's hit for the cycle seven times tonight. [The Beers teammates hug each other and pat each other in victory. An umpire slaps the triple square with a potholder. Coop spanks an obese infielder as he rounds second base, then stops at third]
Remer:Go Coop! Way to go, man!
Squeak:You're the man! [the spectators, some of of them wearing plastic Beers head mugs, start going through the motions of putting mugs to mouths and saying "glug... glug... glug... "]
Costas:And listen to those foamheads, doing the Beers chug.
[A pocket yellow TV. A pair of hands holds on as the game plays on the small screen]
Costas:Coop's on third with two down, and that brings up Squeak Scolari.
Squeak:[in the dugout holding the TV, grimacing] Oh, God, I knew it was gonna come down to me, I just knew it! [Remer stands behind him, observing]
Remer:[tries to calm him down] Relax, dude, it's not just you. We're a team! [they walk slowly]
Michaels:And it all comes down to just one man.
Squeak:Oh God!
Remer:[panicking] Listen to me dude, if I get up one guy right now, one guy, it'd by you!
Costas:Unfortunately, that one man is Squeak Scolari.
Squeak:No shit!!
Remer:Listen, pretend this is just another game.
Michaels:This Denslow cup is of course the biggest game of the season.
Squeak:[painfully] Uh Christ!
Remer:Will you turn that shit off?! [rips the TV from Squeak's hands and tosses it away]
Squeak:I'm so scared! Man, I-
Remer:[grabs Squeak by the collar and throws him up against the netting] Listen to me, you little bitch! You either go out and make that shot, or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you have to wear yourself as a hat!!
Michaels:[viewing the action in the dugout] And in the dugout, Doug Remer giving his teammate some last-minute encouragement.
Squeak, Remer:Aaaah! Aaaah!
Remer:Go out there and make that shot! [plants the baseketball on Squeak's chest. Squeak looks at Remer with fire in his eyes and slaps him hard across the left cheek. Remer reels as Squeak leaves, then soothes his cheek] ...Fuck! [The Dallas cheerleaders begin their performance]
Michaels:The talented Felon Girls [dressed as dominatrices] appearing in their third Denslow Cup game.
Announcer: Now shooting, #23, Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari. [Squeak tries working with the practice ball, but it just pulls him backwards onto the ground and bounces away. The crowd cheers and Squeak comes out to the field]
Michaels:So Squeak Scolari walks out to take the last remaining single.
Coop:[encouraging] Come on, bitch! Calledja bitch! [Squeak flashes a quick glare at Coop]
Jansen:[weakly waving his arms before Squeak] Hey Squeak, miss it! Miss it! [Squeak shoots and scores easily]
Michaels:It's good! And the Beers stay alive in the ninth. [the spectators rise and cheer]
Costas:Dallas Felons owner Baxter Cain [talking to an aide] hoping for another Denslow Cup victory.
Announcer:Now shooting, #17, Doug "Sirrr Swish" Remer! [Remer simply puts powder on his hands and heads out to shoot]
Michaels:Two on, two out. Remer heads for the double line.
Jansen:[not even trying to motion except to point something out] Hey Remer! You better make sure your toe isn't over the line!
Remer:Hey Jansen! Nice [shoots] psssych-out, dingleberry! [scores] Yes! [pumps his arm]
Michaels:It's in! It's now a two-run game. [Coop heads for home, Squeak heads for third, Remer goes to second] Dirk Jansen apparently missing another psych-out. [the spectators rise and cheer] And everyone here at Beers Garden is on their feet. [Coop steps into the home run circle as they chant "Coop! Coop! Coop!"]
Costas:And now, at a time like this, you can't help thinking about guys like John Elway. Guys who kept coming close, and then finally got there. [Denslow and Yvette rise, and then his aide rises, jamming Denslow's arm up. Denslow ends up swallowingn his hot dog wiener whole]
Denslow:[choking] Owgh!
Costas:If Coop can make this one, the Beers' long wait will be over.
Denslow:Awwgh! [Yvette and a few other spectators look at him, not sure what's going on. The spectators continue their mug chant]
Jansen:[noticing] Hey Coop! [Coop sets up his shot] Looks like your boy Denslow is about to buy the farm. [Coop looks back]
Denslow:Waagh! [leans over the railing]
Denslow:Wuhugh! [falls over]
Coop:Whoa! [loses his balance and the ball. The ball dribbles off and Remer shows frustration. Coop is down face-first on the ground]
Costas:He missed! He missed, I don't believe it. The Felons win their second consecutive Denslow Cup on the strength of a Dirk Jansen psych-out.
Coop:[rises to his knees] No! No! [sees the word "PSYCHE OUT"] Awwww!!
Jansen:[taunting Coop] I got you dude, I got you! [Coop rises to challenge him when Remer runs up and stops him. Another Dallas player is spoiling for a fight, but three of his teammates and an official restrain him.]
Remer:Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Relax dude! Relax!
Remer:Do the Happy Dance.
Coop:Why d'ya want me to do this? We just lost the game!
Remer:Do the Happy Dance!! [Coop begins going through the motions] Where's the singing?
Coop:[winces at Remer] Aww, I don't wanna sing!
Remer:[insistent] Do the singing! Come on, sing.
Coop:[reluctantly add the singing] Doin' the Happy Dance... Doin' the Happy Dance... [an egg comes flying at him and breaks on impact on his chest. More eggs strike him and he looks around] Shit, Denslow! [makes his way over as camera crush in on Remer]
Remer:Aw, awww.
Michaels:And these Beers fans have to be disappointed! What an unfortunate thing to happen on Dozen Egg Night. [more and more eggs come flying at Coop, but he reaches Denslow, who is sprawled out on the ground in front of the bleachers]
Yvette:My husband! Somebody help him! [an umpire is already present checking on Denslow's condition] My God!
Remer:[reaching Yvette] Mrs. Denslow, if there's anything you need-
Yvette:Um Teddy. [Coop looks up at Yvette and with determination presses against Denslow's sternum. The hot dog pops out and back into Denslow's mouth, but Coop fails to notice] I don't believe it. He just- oh! Oh... [Yvette faints into Remer's arms]
Remer:Mrs. Denslow? Mrs. Denslow! [Coop presses down twice more, and each time the hot dog pops out and back into Denslow's mouth. Coop turns to look at Denslow, Remer tries to shake Yvette back to consciousness, then blows on her]
Yvette:[not quite awake] Ohhh!
Coop:I wish there was something I could do!
Denslow:Uuuuuh...! [motions to the hot dog bun]
Coop:I know, Mr. Denslow, they stopped serving them after the seventh inning. [glances around] Somebody get this man a hot dog!! [Denslow glares at Coop for his ignorance and cracks an egg on his head, then expires]
[The Dallas locker room. The celebrations are underway. Two men run at each other, jump up, and slam into each other chest-first. They they part. A bottle of champagne is uncorked and sprayed out over the winners. One of the commentators is interviewing Cain amid shouts of victory and flowing champagne]
Cain:You're absolutely right, Jim. Ted Denslow was a hero, because his vision brought baseketball from neighborhood driveways into big arenas, but more importantly into the hearts and TVs of America. It's a very sad day. [a naked player swings across the screen, his back to the camera, behind Cain and Jim: "Weeeeeeee!" You can see his ass swing back and forth just once] His untimely death cast an unbearable pall over an otherwise sweet victory. [throws his thumbs up to the camera] Heeey! Yeahhh! [someone says "Go gentlemen!"] You too! [more celebration]
Jim:[trying to be heard] Yes, and all of our hearts... are with you and your family on this... [Jansen approaches the men. Cain turns and congratulates him. The Dallas team now wears shirts saying "Champions" on the chest] Dirk Jansen, winner of the Winner's Warm Douche MVP Trophy. What's your take on this stunning upset.
[The Beers' locker room. Remer stops by a TV to watch the interview. The Beers players are wearing shirts saying "Losers" on the chest]
Jansen:I think the whole key to the game was when I psyched out Coop! No doubt about it! [the camera backs up and the TV's sound fades] And all you people watching out there...
Coop:I can't believe this guy! He didn't psych me out!
Remer:Yeah, if anyone should get the psych-out it should be Denslow.
Coop:[fixes his gaze on Remer] Dude, weak. [looks back and then walks off]
Voice:Oh Coop, Coop. [Coop turns] I, I know this is a heard time for you, but I'd like to get your thoughts on what happened today.
Coop:Well, Tim, today I lost the big game, and a, a dear friend. Um, I'm feeling... pretty vulnerable right now. Uh, I don't think I should be alone. I really need people to talk to... [his voice trails off as he begins to reflect]
Tim:[cuts him off] It certainly does seem to be raining shit on Joe Cooper right now. [the Beers mascot goes to a common urinal and opens his tap, releasing piss into the urinal] On paper the Beers have the far superior team. But the outside shooting of Coop and the deadly accuracy of Doug Remer... [Remer walks up to Tim] What happened out there?
Remer:Uugh, well, it was a team effort, and I guess it took every player workin' together to lose this one.
Tim:Thanks, Doug. [Remer walks off] And so...
Squeak:[walks up] Hey! Wanna do an interview with me?
Tim:[looks down at him] Nno. [looks at the camera. Squeak walks off upset] So another baseketball championship is in the books. Yet another opportunity lost for the Beers. [Dallas cheerleaders are shown on TV]
[The shower room. Squeak is relaxing in the hot tub.]
Coop:Man, I gotta go. [turns and walks off listlessly]
Squeak:[something begins to move him around the hot tub in a clockwise manner] Hey Coop? Coop!! Hey, what's goin' on? [the water level lowers and he spins around the hot tub faster and faster] Coop?? Coop! Hey Coop! Coop help!! [begins to be sucked under] Aaaagh! Hellp!! Aaaagh! Aaaagh! Aaaagh! [the hot tub drains and he's stuck.]
Tim:[walks in and continues his spot as the hot tub sucks Squeak under] This is Tim McCarver from Beers Garden, where the Dallas Felons have defeated the Milwaukee Beers in Denslow Cup IV. [the sounds from the emptying hot tub drown out the rest of his statement]
[A Beers Arena parking structure, by a "Dream Come True Foundation" van. One side door is open. Several kids and a woman walk up to the van. She opens the other side door]
Woman:One at a time. [the kids begin piling in, chatting somewhat]
Black Girl:[looks out and points] There he is! [at the players' entrance the cameras crowd around the Visitors' door, and a lone figure walks out the Beers door.]
Kid 1:Coop!
Kid 2:Oh man!
Kid 3:Oh cool.
Kid 4:Aw, can we touch him? [other kids chime in as the crowd around the Visitors' door cheers an exiting champion]
Black Girl:There there!
Woman:[approaches Coop and catches him] 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me, hi. Would you mind signing a couple of autographs for the kids?
Coop:[wistfully] I think you're looking for the Dallas locker room; it's over there.
Woman:Oh, I know, but it's so crowded. I mean, um, they would really rather have your autograph.
Woman:Anyway, would you mind signing these? [looks down]
Coop:[following her gaze] Uh, sure. [raises his marker to her chest level. She presents him a pair of baseketballs] Oh. [he takes the baseketballs and sets up to sign them] Ah it's nice to meet you, miss...
Woman:Reed. Jenna Reed.
Coop:Joe Cooper - Coop.
Jenna:I know.
Coop:It's hard to-are all these kids with you?
Jenna:Oh yeah. Yeah, I've been the director of the Dream Come True foundation since October.
Coop:Oh, the ones that grant wishes to sick and dying kids, right?
Jenna:Oh, well we prefer to think of them as "health-challenged" and "survival-impaired"
Coop:[begins signing the first ball] So you're a big fan of baseketball?
Jenna:No, not really. [Coop looks up] I mean, the kids are big fans; I... try and keep them interested in things that are a little more... permanent.
Jenna:Well, you know how professional athletes come and go these days.
Coop:Uh, not in baseketball. There are rules against it.
Male Voice:Hwe-hell, hello! [both look to see who it is - Remer with a big grin on his face]
Coop:Oh uh, Miss Reed, this is... Remer. [begins autographing the second ball. Jenna now holds the first one]
Remer:Would you like a fresh pretzel? [Coop looks over, Jenna faces Remer, who says earnestly] I baked it myself. [Coop looks puzzled]
Jenna:Oh... [looks at it and takes it] Thank you.
Remer:Goes great with mustard. [holds up two packets]
Jenna:...Okay. [takes the packets. The kids have gathered around the three adults]
Girl:Miss Reed? Miss Reed? [Jenna turns and gives the first signed baseketball to the kids]
Coop:[to Remer, away from Jenna] Dude, you didn't make that pretzel, didja?
Remer:Of course not, but chicks like guys who can cook. Didn't you know that?
Coop:What?? [Jenna looks back, then up and down at Remer]
Remer:Dah see? It worked! She was checkin' out me ass.
Coop:She wasn't checking out your ass!
Jenna:[to the kids] All set then? [Coop and Remer turn to face her as she rises to leave] Well, I'd better get these kids back. Little Travis is getting impatient.
Remer:Hey! I love kids! Which one is Travis? [without waiting for the answer, he takes the second baseketball...] Here. Heads up, big guy! [...and shoots it at the first boy he sees. The ball hits a white boy and fells him]
Girl:Um are you all right, Travis? [Jenna grimaces]
Remer:God, he needs a little work on the hands...
Jenna:...He's blind, Doug.
Remer:Ah. [Jenna just looks at him]
[New report]
Reporter:Felons fans rejoiced in their team's Denslow Cup victory with a huge celebration in Downtown Dallas. [riot footage is shown] Finally tally: fourteen injured, three dead. [the media window moves off the screen] And on a sad note, the sports world was devastated tonight by the passing of Ted Denslow. [the window returns with a picture of a smiling Denslow] By all accounts the late Beers owner seemed to be the only one surprised by his death, [a close-up of him choking just before falling over the railing] and it appears that time just finally ran out for the old cocksucker. [the closeup disappears] Theodore Denslow, dead at 85. His hairpiece was 24.
[A classic business building. An easel reads "Theodore Denslow Estate Distribution"]
Denslow:[on a pre-recorded video] ...these chaps I wore in Rootin Tootin Rhythm I bequeath to my nephew Herman. Hope he looks as snappy in them as I did! [someone gets an item from the collection and takes it to a beneficiary] And this poncho, that kept me dry during the filming of thw Academy Award-winning...
Cain:Mrs. Denslow? [Yvette looks up] Baxter Cain. May I sit down?
Yvette:Of course.
Cain:[holds her hand] My deepest sympathy on your great loss.
Yvette:Thank you, Mr. Cain. [Coop enters and looks for a place to sit.]
Denslow:...hand painted plate commemorating the Pope's visit to Dodger Stadium I leave to my niece Susan. A limited edition, signed, in the mold, with a photo-copied certificate of authenticity" [sits down and looks around. Behind him, Susan rises and goes for her heirloom]
Coop:[notices the woman a seat over to his right] Jenna. [she looks back] What are you doin' here?
Jenna:Well I'm not sure. I... [digs around in her purse] I got this letter, I... <[pulls out a folded envelope and shows it to him]
Coop:Yeah, yeahyeah, me too. [pulls out his own envelope and shows her, taking the opportunity to sit next to her. Susan carries back her plate and certificate. Remer enters the room from the back, as Coop did before him. He carries a condolence wreath: "Goodbye Old Friend". The wreath knocks something out of a woman's hands and it shatters on the carpet]
Denslow:And this toothbrush, used to clean the oats...
Susan:You clumsy idiot!
Remer:[sits next to Coop] Where's the body?
Susan:What an ass!
Coop:[somewhat annoyed] They buried him two days ago. This is the will reading.
Remer:Ohh. Oh well, in that case... [reaches for the wreath and moves it closer to Jenna] These are for you, Jenna.
Denslow:Now, as a special fluke of charity, I bequeath these season tickets to the Dream Come True Foundation. [held an envelope with nine tickets fanning out from an envelope. An usher quickly gives her the tickets and removes the wreath]
Jenna:Thank you.
Cain:[to Yvette] I want you to know I had nothing but respect for your late husband. [shifts in his seat.] Unfortunately, he was one person who stood in the way of making any kind of changes to baseketball that might "increase" the owners' profits. I can't imagine what he had against making money. [Yvetter dabs some moisture off her upper lip] I trust that quality isn't sexually transmitted. [she just looks at him]
Coop:[to Jenna] That's pretty sweet, huh?
Jenna:[glances at him] Yeah, the kids will be very excited. Expecially little Joey.
Jenna:Well, he's such a big fan of yours. [Coop looks uneasy] You know, he's going into the hospital next week and he had... begged me to ask you if you could come by for a visit sometime, but... you know why it it's not a good idea...
Coop:Ohh, I'd I'd [love] to come by. [grins]
Remer:Hey, I'll come by. I like hospitals.
Coop:[looks at him annoyed] No you don't! You like Taco Bell!
Remer:No, really, I went to this hospital one time in France and got to go with this really hot chick.
Coop:Dude, that was a hostel.
Remer:Oh, yeah. [thinks]
Denslow:And finally, of course, my beloved Beers, [Cain smiles at Yvette] I bequeath controlling interest to... [Coop turns to Jenna once more] Joseph R. Cooper. [Coop looks at the screen. Remer looks at him. Everyone else is shocked, Yvette looks betrayed]
Remer:[rises and pumps his arms] Yes, we own the team!
Yvette:[dismayed] I gave him the best three months of my life. [begins to cry. Remer rises and turns around. Squeak, behind him, also rises]
Squeak:Sweet! [double hi-fives Remer. Coop is stunned]
Remer:[punches Coop on the ribs and sits donw] Way to go, dude!
Denslow:And Coop?
Coop:Yes, Mr. Denslow?
Denslow:I know you have it in ya to lead the Beers to victory this season. Because if you don't, the team reverts to Yvette. [Cain reaches over and holds Yvette's left hand with his right one]
Cain:Don't feel badly about losing the team. I believe this is merely a temporary situation.
Yvette:[places her right hand on his and gives him an intimate, knowing look] Thank you, Mr. Cain. It's nice to have a strong, handsome man like you, on my side.
Cain:[quick sigh] Well yes, I'd love to discuss this further with you. Why don't you... visit sometime. Maybe we could uh... lay some carpet. If you know what I mean... [Yvette slowly smiles and Cain smiles back]
Denslow:At this time I'd like to ask everyone to leave the room so I can have a private moment with Coop. [knowing Denslow can't do a thing about it, no one moves from his seat] Now that we're alone, Coop, there's somethin' I wanna tell ya. Remember when you had the crabs [everyone gasps] and the only thing that made you feel better was this lotion? [Coop gestures apologetically to Jenna] Well I found another use for it. [unbuttons his shirt] It feels so good it makes me wanna sing! [the opening bars of "Catwalk" begins to play] Just like that night we spent in the tattoo parlor in Chicago! [Coop shakes his head in disbelief and hides his face. Groans rise from the guests. Yvette is disgusted] Come on, baby! I'm... too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt! [rubs lotion on his chest] So sexy it hurts! [Coop sinks in his seat] And I'm... too sexy for my car. Too sexy for my car! Too sexy by far!!!
Remer:[to Jenna, Squeak, whoever else] Are you gettin' this?
[Cain International Sports Enterprises. "America's Finest Teams." A shot of Yvette banging something or someone on the company's office floor. The camera moves up and out to reveal her setting a carpet in place. She's earing a gold lamé dress and a knee pad on her left knee for protection from the driving tool she's using.]
Yvette:[panting] That's two rooms done. [the camera moves to include Cain in the shot, but he's sitting in an executive chair] Boy, those corners are tricky.
Cain:You've done a fine job, Yvette. [she grins back in appreciation, then rises and walks around, stopping behind him] Now, as I was saying, I think I've come up with a plan to make sure that Coop never wins that Denslow Cup.
Yvette:[drapes her hands on Cain's shoulders and begins a massage] Oh, so then the team will be mine?
Yvette:That's wonderful, Baxter. Do you want me to move on to the conference room?
Cain:Uh no, not yet. [her fingers caress his face and hair] But you know, I think my... lobby... could use a good buffing. If you know what I mean...
Yvette:Mmm, I know exactly what you mean. [next shot is of her trying to keep control of a buffer in the lobby, but the buffer spins around and knocks down a trophy stand. She turns off the buffer and walks away quick] God I can't do this shit!
[The Beers Garden, game day. A banner reading "Mliwaukee Journal Sentinel" is pasted onto the upper deck. The camera pans across the bleachers and onto the field]
Michaels:And the Beers coming up to bat for the first time in this season opener against Miami. A game they have dedicated to Ted Denslow. [the players wait for their turns.] The team, wearing black in memory of the late Beers owner.
Costas:The Beers cheerleaders, also mourning the loss. [they walk out wearing black negligée and panty hose, then move around suggestively as a group] Mm.
Michaels:Mmm. Mm? [begins clearing his throat. Costas looks over. The girls continue their dance. In the dugout Coop spits out a wad of tobacco.]
Remer:Dude. It's a whole different ballgame now that you own the team.
Coop:Yeah. I was just thinkin', Denslow was right. This season could be different. [picks up his LA-Z-BOY baseketball] We just gotta kick some ass. We're playing to keep this team. You up for it?
Remer:Dude, I'm in! All or nothing! [forms a fist with his left hand. Coop forms a fist with his right, and they smack fists together. Coop removes his clump of tobacco from his mouth and hands it to Remer, who promptly starts chewing it, then spits out a wad]
Costas:And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of baseketball, Tony Nocciolino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up Scooter, on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell, and "Same Ol' Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Svenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.
Michaels:[warmly] And Tony, it is great to have you with us. [Tony is about to say something, but Costas speaks first]
Costas:So, Miami takes the field and we're underway. [Two Miami players fuss over a ringing cell phone. The fat player fiddles with it]
Fit Player:Corte! Corte! ["Shut it off! Shut it off!" The fat player can't figure out how. Coop arrives and the other player notices] Here, let me answer it. [takes the phone and walks off. The fat player faces Coop as the crowd begins chanting "Coop!"]
Opponent:Cuidado, puto! ["Careful, prick!"] Te pego duro, ["I'll hit you hard!"] bonehead! Idiota! [Coop shakes it off, not knowing Spanish, and makes the shot]
Costas:It's good!
Coop:Yeah! [takes first base]
Michaels:And the Beers are off to a promising start tonight. [Remer sprints out of the dugout with a baseketball as the crowd cheers] And this game is made all the more special by the fact it's Free-Range Chicken Night. [Attendees are each given a chicken to take home]
Costas:Beers up by two, but the Dealers are threatening here with one out. [the fit player now walks up with his baseketball] And that brings up Enrique Hernandez. [the other players have taken to eating spit-roasted chicken with their beers. Three live chickens stand before the portable spit. The crowd begins chanting "White Power!"]
Coop:Hey, Hernandez, look. [holds up a lard bag filled with a whilte liquid] It's fat liposuction out of Brando's ass. Aw, Aww! [takes out a straw from his back pocket and sticks it into the back] Noo! What am I doing here? Aw- [begins sucking up the fluid] Aw! It's all salty and warm! Oh, why would I do this?? [sips] Aww, this guy ate a lot of pork! [Hernandez shoots] Aww! [scores, and Coop looks back] Damnit!
Remer:Dude, I thought it was a killer psych-out.
Coop:Really? This is sick...
Remer:Just ssshake it off, shake it off. I got this guy. [Coop walks off sipping more of Brando's fat. A Miami player walks up] Yo! Gomez! [Gomez sets up to shoot] Got milk? [begins to squeeze some milk out of a hidden pouch and onto Gomez's face as Gomez shoots] Yeah, you like that, don'tcha? [the shot misses and Coop takes the rebound]
Michaels:Coop tips and it's... GOOD! Double-play. Beers win. And Remer is still nailing down that psych-out! [Remer has more milk left to squirt on Gomez. Squeak vigorously simulates copulation]
[Season opener, post-game. The players have changed to their street clothes. Coop and Remer walk through the dugout and back to the field. Chickens mill about]
Coop:Dude, we totally kicked ass.
Remer:Yeah, and this is just the start. [they notice a boy walking up with a chicken]
Boy:Doug, could you sign my chicken? [Remer takes the chicken and signs it as boy and mom watch]
Cain:[holds out his hand] Yo Cooper! Baxter Cain. [Coop holds out his hand and Cain covers that with his left hand, sealing the shake, then releases Coop's hand]
Coop:Oh, Cain. Yeah, Denslow told me about you.
Cain:I want to take this opportunity to welcome you to our community of owners. And if there's anything that you need, don't hesitate to ask.
Coop:Thanks, dude. Later. [turns and walks away]
Cain:Uh, Coop, we're going to be voting next week on making uh some changes in baseketball rules, and I wanna be able to tell the others that you're with us. [catches up. They then walk together]
Coop:Why? I think baseketball is fine the way it is.
Cain:Of course, in some respects. But until we allow teams to move cities and players to change teams, and take advantage of lucrative corporate tie-ins, I'm afraid you and your colleagues are gonna have to continue working for... [looks down. A chicken is eating some feed at Coop's feet. Some wranglers are trying to round up the remaining chickens. Cain reaches down and grabs something while keeping his eyes on Coop]
Coop:[looks at Cain's hand] Chicken poo?
Cain:Ugh! Feed. Chicken feed. [a vacuum cleaner is heard, and gets louder and louder, making Cain yell louder to be heard] Coop, the ball is in your court. In order for those rules to change, every owner has to vote yes. [the vacuum cleaner has a large yellow hose attached to it, and it sucks up any chicken in its way. One man operates the front end] Now, Denslow was already filthy rich. He didn't need the changes, but you do! [the sound of a chicken being ground to bits is heard. A puff of chicken feathers explode from the back end, which is being handled by another worker, of the hose.]
Coop:Look, I appreciate what you're saying, but you ask me to go against every reason we created this game. [turns and walks off again. Another chicken is sucked up]
Cain:Well, before you go making any hasty decisions, I suggest you discuss it with your teammate.
Coop:I don't have to. We're best friends. We think alike. Look, sorry, but if you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.
Cain:[puzzled, whispering] One of the other owners... [strokes his upper lip and leaves chicken poo there]
[a shot of a train moving down the tracks. Next shot is of the New Jersey Informants cheerleaders]
Informant 56:You gonna take these mooks out or what?!
Informant 19:Yeah!! Let me handle this one!
Informant 56:In the river baby!
Informant 19:Forget about it!
Informant 56:Come on! [they set up to defend against Coop]
Informant 19:Yo Coop! Your mother's a terrible cook! [they laugh, but Coop just takes the shot and scores]
Coop:Aw yeah!
Informant 19:Damn! [Coop gives both of them the finger and goes to his base. Number 19 begins to give chase] I'm gonna kick you ass, man!
Informant 56:[restraining him] Hey hey, take it easy! [next scene is the Informant's turn up. A player prepares to shoot as Remer seems to be masturbating at someone in the crowd. The Informant glances back, then looks forward. Remer tries more vigorously]
Informant:...Can't gross me out, Remer.
Remer:Oh yeah? Well check out Coop! [Coop pulls out some aluminum foil, rips it off its roller, wads it up, and starts chewing it up in a rabid manner. The Informant shoots and stumbles, missing the shot. A window on the garage door shatters as the ball hits it]
[a shot of a train moving down the tracks across a bay. Next stop: San Francisco Ferries. The cheerleaders here are all men in T-shirts and boxers. They rip off their T-shirts to show off their buff bodies. An umpire skates by to make sure the shot is set up]
Remer:Hey Zane. [quickly goes up to whisper in his ear longingly] I wanna feel ya... [the cheerleaders rub their hands over their chests dreamily] ...deep inside me!
Zane:[shoots and misses] Ugh!
Remer:Yeah! [the cheerleaders express their dismay]
Zane:[protesting to the ump] He can't do that! That's not fair, man!
Coop:Aw, come on, Zane, that was- [looks around, making sure no one is feeling his ass, then goes back into position] That was fair, you know that. Come on, let's play ball. [faces his own shooter] Hey Watson, have you seen those, uh, beer commercials? [Watson puts down his guard as Coop fakes an Australian accent] "How ta speak San Franciscan" [Coop grabs Squeak and pulls down his shorts so Watson can see his ass]
Squeak:Hey. Hey!
Coop:Vajoina! [releases Squeak as Watson misses his shot. Boos from the fans and the cheerleaders as an ump comes in and throws down a flag on the play] Uh... No, that wasn't a gay joke, that was an Australian joke. Aw, aww!
[more train travel. Cain is reading the latest news on the Beers from USA Today Sports: "Beers Still Winning More and More Games" is the cover story. Next stop: San Antonio Defenders. The cheerleaders spank themselves as they go around in circles slowly. They wear coonskin caps: "Ride 'em" is their chant]
Players:Come on, let's do it! all right, what are we gonna say?! [three players huddle] One two three! Fuck the Mexicans! [The tall Defender rises and walks to a square. Remer comes out and acts like a fat man]
Remer:[with buck teeth and hick accent] Goood, guess I'll take my shot now. So I can make it so I can go home quick and smack my wife in the eye, yeppir.
Defender:Shut up, Remer. [takes his shot]
Remer:Well, shut yer moouuth bitch or I'll- [turns to see the ball fall in]
Defender:Yeah! Yes! all right! Take that, Remer! [takes his base as the crowd cheers on]
Remer:[removes his mouthpiece and throws it down] Shit! [Coop walks up to his opponent and starts making a snare drum sound. He whips up his left hand with the middle finger sticking up. Then he whips out a small bolt cutter in his right hand, snaps it open, and proceeds to snip off his middle finger at the second knuckle]
Defender:Oh. Uuuugh.
Coop:[succeeds after some effort, and the stump begins to squirt out blood] Awwwwwgh! Awwwwwgh! [the Defender throws up as the crowd shrieks in horror] Awwww! Oh my eye! My eye! Awwww! [the Defender coughs and throws the ball away]
Someone:You're sick, Cooper!! [more disgusted crowd reaction. Coop removes the fake hand as he and Remer hug in victory]
[A medical center, day. Jenna reads next to a bed-ridden boy from the book "Women Who Run With Wolves"]
Jenna:"If a woman wants a mate who is responsive, she will reveal to him the secret of a woman's duality." [a male nurse does his duties. Coop walk by the room, hears Jenna's voice and looks in. He carries a bowling bag] "She will tell him about the interior woman, that one who, added to herself, makes two." [noticing a new presence, she looks up. She rises as Coop draws near.] Hi, I I didn't expect that you'd come.
Coop:I just thought I'd come to say hi to our little friend Joey.
Jenna:Oh. What, you know what? He's, he's sleeping and I really wanted to finish this book, I'm sor-
Coop:[walks around her to Joey's side] Well, maybe it'll make him feel better.
Jenna:Uh, w-w-well-
Coop:Joey? [Joey stirs, but not much else]
Jenna:Joey? [Joey looks up] Look who's here.
Joey:My biological father?
Coop:No dude, it's me. Joe Cooper.
Joey:[excited] Coop?? Coop, is it really you??
Coop:[open smile] Yeah, it's me.
Joey:Wow. I watched all your road games. Your psych-outs are the best.
Coop:Thanks dude. Hehuh...
Joey:Coop, what's a vajoina?
Coop:Uh... So uh, what seems to be the problem... with you, guy?
Joey:I'm... m going to die.
Coop:[upbeat] ...Well, we're all gonna die.
Joey:Yeah, but not this week.
Jenna:Joey, what did I tell you about staying positive? Besides, your donor liver is due to arrive today. [Joey begins to mouth "but"]
Coop:Oh hey, look what I broughtcha. [opens up the bowling bag and pulls out his custon-made LA-Z-BOY baseketball]
Joey:Wow, a LA-Z-BOY!!
Coop:Yeah. I made it myself, you know. If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels. [Jenna slowly looks at him]
Joey:[happy] Gee Coop, I wanna be just like you when I grow up.
Remer:[with a cup] Here's your decaf mocha, Jenna. Just like you take it: nonfat milk, lowfat whipped cream, and a little [wink] sprinkle of cinnamon.
Jenna:[accepts the cup] Thank you, Doug.
Remer:[cooing] And I baked you fresh poppy-seed muiffins, too. [a tray of six muffins. Coop looks on incredulously]
Jenna:Oh, uh... [takes the tray and looks for a place to set it down]
Coop:[expresses his displeasure] Give me a break! Poppy-seed muffins. Yeah I thought you had your electrolysis appointment this morning!
Remer:I did. [pulls up the tip of his nose so Coop can look inside] Here, look. Check it out. [Jenna returns and checks it out as well. Remer notices and quickly removes his hand]
Coop:Hey uh, l-listen partner, I uh... I talked to the people at the Dream Come True Foundation and they wanna make your last wish... yu... your... th-th- well they wanna make your dream come true. [Joey looks up sadly] As long as it doesn't involve like a miracle cure... or something like that... Wuh hell the guys in Death Row only get a meal, right? [Remer and Jenna look uncomfortable] Uh, so, so, what's your dream?
Joey:Well... I've always dreamed of big-game hunting. How about killing an endangered species? Like a bald eagle? Or a giant panda?
Jenna:Weh Joey, I don't think that's in the true spirit of the Foundation. [smiles]
Joey:Well then, how about poisoning the reservoir? [Coop and Jenna look at each other disgusted by this boy's suggestions] I know! How about throwing flesh-eating fish into a public swimming pool?
Remer:I don't think you're quite gettin' the point, dude. [Joey shifts in bed trying to think of something else]
Jenna:Come on, Joey. Search your heart: what's the one thing that you want more than anything else in the world?
Joey:...Chelsea Clinton?
Coop:...That's a pretty tall order, dude.
Remer:You'd have a better shot at Bill. [Joey shifts again]
Coop:Do you have any... backup dreams?
Joey:Well there is one other thing. [Coop and Jenna lean in to hear] Can I just once, can I hang out with the team? [Coop looks to Jenna] To spend a day with the Beers? Could I, Coop?
Jenna:Oh, I, I don't know. I...
Joey:And Miss Reed, too! [Coop looks at Jenna. Remer nods approvingly. Jenna grins]
[Montage to "Why Can't We Be Friends?" At home Remer and Squeak clean up leaves by the driveway. Across the walkway to the house Jenna scoops leaves into Coop's bag as he smiles goofily. Remer walks up and asks her to scoop some leaves into his bag, which she does. Joey walks around pushing a kid-size gas-powered lawnmower. Next shot, the guys work on a car. Joey rolls out from under the hood having changed the motor oil. Coop and Remer help him up. Next, the five of them go to a laundromat and watch the spin cycle on the dryers. Next, back to the front lawn. The leaf-gathering is turning into a leaf fight as the lawnmower gets away from Joey and chases Squeak. Next shot, back to fixing the car. Jenna brings sandwiches to the guys for their hard work on the car. Joey bites into a sandwich not having washed his hands. Next shot: the five of them still watch the dryers spin. Next shot, back at the garage, the guys look at Jenna and nod approvingly. She walks off, and they throw away their sandwiches. Next shot: an oriental massage parlor. Coop, Remer, and Joey get good masseuses while Squeak gets a sumo-size masseur]
[A bar, night. Joey is doing everything Coop and Remer are: licking salt off his left hand, taking shots of liquor, sucking on lemons]
Patrons:Down the hatch. Bartender.
Joey:This has been sooo fun! I feel like I'm gonna puke aaall over the bar. [belches. The other guys look the same way] Oh look! Jerry Springer!
Springer:["It's your mother or me!" segment] Here she is, your daughter-in-law who you're not too-
Woman:Look, she's my son's wife. Get that!
Springer:Whoa! Nicole! Let's say hi to Nicole! [Nicole walks out to the stage]
Coop:[taps the bar] Oh okay okay. We'll drink every time a fight breaks out.
The other guys:All right. Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! [the two women meet and begin to fight]
Coop:Oh fight fight fight! [the guys take a drink, the bartenders refill their shot glasses, the fight breaks up and resumes] 'K fight! [the guys go through the routine again, and the fight breaks up and resumes again] Huh, huh! [the pace of the fights quickens and the guys slow down] You see Joey? Dreams really do come true. [Joey drinks on without hearing a word. Squeak begins to look queasy, turns away, and notices a large woman some distance away. She notices and winks at him, then looks down at her massive breasts. Squeak faces forward and smiles to himself]
Joey:You're the best, Coop.
Coop:Yeah. [looks at the bar clock: 7:30] Oh man, it's late. We've got a game tonight. [rises] And you've got that big liver operation.
Joey:Yeah, but...
Coop:What dude? Don't worry, you're gonna be fine.
Joey:I just know I could pull through if...
Coop:...What dude?
Remer:Joey, you just say it and Coop will do it!
Joey:Couldja Coop? Do you think you could hit a home run for me in tonight's game?
Coop:Well dude-
Remer:Come on, Coop! [Coop and Joey look at him] It's not like he's askin' ya to hit two home runs.
Joey:[looks at Coop] Two?? Can you hit two home runs??
Remer:Of course he could! This is Coop Cooper you're talkin' about here! Hell he could hit three home runs if he wanted to, huh Coop?!
Joey:Three! [gushing] All right!
Coop:[looks over at Remer] Remer, can I talk to you over, over there real quick? Thanks. [they leave the bar]
Squeak:[drunk] Hey you know, Joey, I've hit my fair share of home runs too. [takes a sip from his tall shot glass]
Joey:That's nice. But Coop's gonna hit three home runs for me!
Squeak:That's great, Joey. [slamming and grunting sounds are heard]
Joey:I think Coop's the greatest guy in the whole wide world!
Squeak:[looking at the large woman as she powders her chin] Yeah, he's a major dude all right. [Coop is slamming the small bar door on Remer's head repeatedly]
Coop:[stops the slamming, holds the door up] There, I feel much better now. [walks back to his seat, lets the door slam against Remer's head once more. Remer doesn't move]
Joey:Mr. Squeak?
Squeak:[still looking at the large woman] What?
Joey:...What grade are you in? [Squeak turns to face him]
Taxi Driver:[steps through the front door] Hey! Anybody call a taxi?
Remer:[raises his hand, slurred speech] Yeah, I called a taxi.
Coop:[picks Joey up...] We gotta get goin' if I'm gonna hit those three home runs. [places Joey's legs around his neck. Joey settles in] Don't you worry. From now on everything's gonna be A-OK! [the group walks out of the bar]
Joey:Gee Coop! This is the best day of my entire life! [looks up] Ow! [smacks the top of the doorway and falls off Coop, hitting the floor on his back] Awgh!
[Beers Garden, later that night. Costas and Michaels are wearing huge yellow ribbons on the left uppper pockets on their jackets]
Costas:Oh my, what a story this is. Little Joey Thomas, undergoing a life-saving operation tonight. [a shot of the bleachers] The fans here, of course, all wearing yellow ribbons in support of this brave little boy. [one shirtless man has pinned the ribbon through his left breast. The blood is visible on his ribbon and body. Coop sets his aim, but an umpire turns him around to face the basket] And his hero, Joe Cooper, promising to hit three home runs, a promise that could mean the difference between life and death for this brave little boy. [Coop belches. The shorts on one opposing player ride low enough to show a butt crack]
Umpire:Ey Pete! What's the matter with Coop tonight?!
Pete:I don't know, but he's one for eleven and he smells like Christian Slater.
Costas:Coop in the home run circle getting ready to take his shot. [Coop shoots...] It's up. [...and scores.] It's good! Coop sinks his second home run of the game! [Coop staggers around the bases off-balance, grunting, until second base trips him up and he crashes through the garage façade. Remer and Squeak in the dugout are throwing up into ice buckets]
[An operating room, at that moment. Joey is under operation.]
Doctor:His blood sugar's way up since yesterday. Has there been any change in his fluid intake? Sweet Jesus, his sodium level's through the roof!
Elderly Nurse:It's the strangest thing. He's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.
[Beers Garden. Coop is up again, Remer and Squeak are still throwing up]
Costas:Ninth inning. Everyone's stomach in knots here as Coop steps up for his last at-bat. One more chance for that third home run. [Jenna and the kids are present, cheering Coop on. Squeak is getting hot under the collar as he notices the woman from the bar gazing down at him enticingly from the bleachers]
Squeak:[to Remer] Hey, she's here, man, the woman from the bar. [points her out and smiles at her]
Remer:[looking] That's a guy.
Squeak:[turns to Remer, his face going from grin to worry] What? A guy??
Remer:[firmly] Yeah, that's a dude. [the woman blows a kiss at Squeak]
Squeak:No way. You're just sayin' that 'cause you want her for yourself.
Remer:[firmly] No. Dude, I'm sayin' that because she's a guy.
Squeak:[remaining composed as she comes on to him some more] That's impossible. Just look at her. She's gut the cutest little upturned nose, the softest lips, ...the sweetest Adam's apple. [Remer pukes into his ice bucket, the woman waves gently to Squeak] Yeah. I think I can smell her perfume from here. [that smell is quickly overriden by Remer's poke. Squeak sniffs.] Oh! [convulses] Eugh! [jerks forward andpukes into his own bucket. The crowd chant "Coop" and he motions for them to be quiet, first by waving his arms down, then by shushing them. They turn and shush each other down]
[A recovery room. Joey watches the game intensely on TV]
Costas:Coop calls for quiet. One more chance for that third home run. [Coop gets ready to shoot]
Michaels:He's in deep focus out there, Bob. This obviously means a lot to him. [Coop has actually dozed off but remains standing. A sound blast wakes him up and he shoots instinctively] He shoots! It's going! [everyone watches the arc of the shot] Going! Looks like Coop has made a dream come true for a very brave little... [the shot goes past the basket and into the garage behind it.]
Fans:Awwwww! [Coop passes out]
Costas:Wow, the Lord must really have it in for that little boy. [both commentators bow their heads in sadness]
[The recovery room, moments later. It's the same one as last time. Coop, Remer, and Squeak enter the room still in their game uniforms and race towards Joey's bed. They arrive, but Joey isn't there]
Coop:[in lament] Oh why?! Why?! Why?! [collapses by the side of the bed, throws his arms out and his chin rests on the bed. He sobs.]
Remer:[consoles him] Come on, Coop. It's over. [a nurse walks in and checks out the situation]
Coop:Poor Joey! Why?!
Squeak:I'm sorry, dude.
Nurse:[English nanny accent] If you're looking for Joey Thomas, he's been moved next door.
Coop:[the men look at the nurse...] Oh. [...and race towards the door.]
Squeak:[stops at the entrance and points.]Hey...
Coop:[runs him over] Oh my God! [Coop and Remer run towards a door marked "MORGUE." Coop plants his hands on the door, Remer grabs his own head] Oh why?! Why?! Why?!
Nurse:Gentlemen, he's in this room! [jerks her head to the right. Squeak rises holding his nose from bleeding, but Coop runs him over again.]
Coop:[enters the room and runs] Joey! Joey! [Remer is close behind] I'm here for you, dude!
Nurse:The operation went fine. And just after your game, we thought he was suffocating. He kept screaming "Choke! Choke!" and he lost consciousness. He'll be fine in the morning. But don't stay too long. He needs his sleep.
Coop:[sits by Joey - on his breathing hose] Joey, I'm sorry I missed that third home run. [the breathing pump begins to gargle] but... [a soft hissing sound is heard and Squeak looks up in alarm. The second breathing hose begins to balloon at a jucture next to the pillow] Remember how I said that dreams really do come true? [Joey's eyes jerk wide open, the air not able to escape his lungs] Well, they don't. [Joey sits up and begins to mumble]
Squeak:Coop! He's awake! I think he's trying to tell you something!
Coop:Wha-what is it, Joey? What?
Remer:Hey! He's turning blue!
Coop:Oh my God, this poor kid's freezing. [rises off the hose. The breathing machine resumes normal operation] He needs a blanket. Where's a blanket? [Joey relaxes back on his bed] Sir! Sir, can I borrow your blanket??
Remer:[takes Coop's place at Joey's side] Don't worry. I'm hear for you, too. [he's cut off respiration to Joey as Coop did before. The second breathing hose balloons and Joey sits up again.]
Coop:[trying to rouse a patient next to Joey] Sir. Sir! Can I borrow your blanket!! [whips the blanket off the man]
Elderly Man:Waaah! [flies through the air towards the wall and lands on the floor. Joey relaxes on his bed once more - Remer has gotten off the bed]
Coop:[now steps on a data cable] There you go, little buddy. This should keep you warm. [the cable snaps off the vital stats monitor and all readings go to zero]
Remer:[points] Holy Mother of God, he's flatlining! You killed him! [Coop looks at Remer in disbelief]
Squeak:My God!
Coop:I didn't kill him!
Remer:Dude, you missed the third home run and you've killed him.
Coop:No! No, I'm not gonna give up on this kid! [unbuttons Joey's shirt. The elderly man Coop threw off earlier stumbles back onto his bed]
Squeak:Coop! Coop! Calm down, man!
Coop:[presses down on Joey's torso a few times] Come on, Joey! Come back to me!
Remer:Coop! Coop, get a hold of yourself. [Coop holds him off]
Squeak:Coop, no!!
Coop:Leave me alone!! [jumps on top of Joey and begins pounding on his chest] Live, damnit! Live!!
Squeak:What the hell are you doing?!
Coop:[gesturing] Where are those little heart-paddle things that George Clooney uses? [climbs off Joey]
Squeak:Uhh, not those!
Remer:Dude, let's just bail!
Coop:[finds the paddles and grabs them] Give me these things! [turns on the machine]
Squeak:You're gonna kill him!
Squeak:Clear! [Coop zaps Joey, who convulses violently, then falls back on his bed. Squeak checks his foot for a pulse] No pulse, Coop!
Coop:Crank up the voltage!
Remer:Ten thousand volts!
Squeak:Clear! [Coop zaps Joey again, and Joey convulses again. Coop does not release the paddles, so Joey is being zapped for quite a while. Squeak is smoking from all that power]
Coop:Up it to fifteen thousand!
Remer:Fifteen thousand volts!
Squeak:[convulsing harder now] No-o-o-o...
Squeak:No! [Coop zaps Joey again, and Joey convulses off the bed some three feet. Squeak is thrown across the room and down a laundry chute.] Aaaaaah oooooohhhhh! [Joey lands back on his bed]
Remer:Coop! Do you know what you're doing?!
Coop:What's it look like?!
Remer:An execution??
Coop:[looks at Remer for a moment and thinks] Damnit man! I'm trying to save an innocent life! [squints, wondering where that came from]
Remer:[thinks] ...I'm givin' 'er all I've got, Captain!
Coop:[thinks] ...I love ya. Always have. [they laugh over their inside reference] Clear!! [zaps Joey once more, causing him to rise off the bed again and back down] This isn't working! We've gotta try open-heart massage! [the nurse enters the room with two bedpans] We need a rib separator aaand a scalpel!
Remer:Where do I cut?! [the nurse drops the bedpans in horror]
Coop:Start in the middle and work your way around! [notices the nurse as he frantically looks for the tools] He's a flatliner!! Code blue, nurse! [runs off. The nurse move forward] Seventy cc's of sodium pentathol, stat!
Remer:[holds up a small electric saw] I didn't kill 'im.
Nurse:Get away from him! Get out of here! [Remer moves off]
Coop:[runs back in with a large syringe] Cardiac syringe coming through! [steps into the bedpans and waddles into the room. The nurse quickly holds his right arm up, away from Joey. Coop's forward momentum, though, leads both of them and the syringe into a special plug, which electrocutes both of them. Moments later...]
Doctor:[moving a patient with two male nurses] Hard left! Hard left!
Squeak:Dude, what the?? [the hospital's power dies amid a lot of crashing items and all the lights go out]
[Coop and Remer's house, later that night. A TV is heard]
Commentator:...Reggie Jackson having an incredible night. [the TV is seen - the game is a video of Reggie's three-homer game] Two for two, with a walk. Four runs batted in, and he's already hit two home runs tonight. And you have to wonder just what Charlie Hough must be thinking as Reggie steps into the box here in the eighth. [Coop sits on the couch, his head buried in his hands, as the crowd cheers Reggie on. Reggie hits the ball] There's a fly ball- [the video switches to a taped program of road kills]
Narrator:-Nature's fury [Coop looks up] when man and beast collide on the backroads and byways of America! Road Kill: Caught On Tape! [clips of small furry animals being run over are shown. Coop looks at the TV in despair as more animals are shown being struck]
Coop:[reacting to each hit] Aww! Aww! Aww! I can't believe those assholes taped over the game! Aww! [the doorbell rings] Aww. Aww! [turns off the TV and gets the door. He smiles when he sees who it is] Jenna.
Jenna:Hi. Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Coop:No no, I was just uh fixing... clam... chowder. Uh, come in.
Jenna:Oh when you weren't at the hospital, I came right over. [Coop closes the door] Apparently there was some sort of terrorist attack on the post-op ward.
Jenna:Yeah. Evidently they were ...disguised as baseketball players. [Coop whips off his jersey and tosses it aside] They went on some sort of rampage and I was so worried about- [turns to face Coop] Joey.
Coop:Ut... was he uh... is he...?
Jenna:Oh he's fine. He came through the operation with flying colors.
Coop:All right! With that new liver he should be peeing like a champ in no time, huh??
Jenna:That's kidneys, Coop.
Coop:Oh... Well... ah, have a seat.
Jenna:I just wanted to stop by and thank you for all that you've done for Joey. [they both sit on the couch at the same time]
Coop:Oh, it's nothing.
Jenna:I'm sure he's gonna remember this day for the rest of his life.
Coop:[recalling the botched third homer attempt and the events at the hospital] ...yeah, I don't doubt that.
Jenna:Oh. [picks up a picture of Coop's early days in baseketball with Remer and Squeak] What a great picture. [giggles] Look at you guys, you seem so happy.
Coop:[softly] Yeah I, I guess we were. We were just best friends playing ball in the driveway, ya know, and next thing I know I'm on ESPN and Wheaties boxes and... Yes, it's all pretty sweet, but... nowadays, since Denslow's been gone, I'm in charge of the team and... the whole league now... sometimes I forget why I play the game.
Jenna:Why do you play, Coop?
Coop:Mr. October.
Jenna:The guy in the Chippendales calendar?
Coop:No, that was Dwayne Zackemore. [Jenna looks at him and he feels it. He looks back] ...I mean, whoever it was. That one. I uh, I'm talking about Reggie Jackson. I saw him play in a World Series once. He hit three home runs in in one game. I... [picks up his souvenir, now mounted on a small wooden base] caught the third one in the stands. I remember, growing up it meant so much to me. All I ever dreamed up was to be that guy and have that one shining moment. Be a hero.
Jenna:You already are a hero, Coop. You've won these kids' hearts, but...
Jenna:I'm just worried about getting attached. I mean, the kids getting attached. I don't ...want them to be hurt.
Coop:Jenna, I would never do anything to hurt ...these kids.
Jenna:What Joey really needs to know where are you gonna be next year?
Coop:...Right here. And the next year. And... the year after that. And right up until Joey grows up and ...and, gets a driver's license. And... [their faces begin to approach each other] starts going out with girls... meets the right one... forgets about baseketball altogether. [they slide into a kiss, but a few seconds later Jenna breaks the kiss and they sit facing forward] Goes home, does some pushups, fucks the sleeve of his favorite jacket...
Coop:Huh? I'm, I'm just saying... We'll be here for Joey, I promise.
Jenna:Oh Coop, I wanna believe you. I wanna believe you more than anything- [Coop springs another kiss on her and they lie down on the couch together in a warm embrace]
Remer:[walks in on the action with Squeak and walks up to the couch] Yo Coop! Check out all this cool shit we got at the hospital! [Coop and Jenna quickly rise from the couch. Coop crosses his arms as Remer gasps. Remer and Squeak are still dressed in hospital scrubs] Oh, hey Jenna.
Jenna:Hey Doug.
Remer:Wow... [walks around to check her forehead] You're lookin' a little flushed. Do you have a temperature?
Jenna:No I'm I'm fine.
Remer:Here. Open your blouse and say "Ah."
Jenna:Doug, I... I gotta go. [picks up her purse and leaves the couch]
Coop:No, Jenna.
Jenna:Yeah, sorry. I've gotta go.
Coop:Aw... Je-Jenna. Aww! [she goes out the front door] A-Aww! [the door closes and Coop approaches Remer in anger] Thanks a lot, Dr. Dickhead! You totally fucked me there! [Squeak picks up a TV Guide and sits on the couch]
Remer:Dude, relax. It was just a joke.
Coop:Dude, why don't you give it up? She doesn't even like you!
Remer:Oh, and you think she has the hots for you?! Shit, Squeak here has a better chance with her than you do!
Squeak:[rises from the couch] Hey, you think?
Coop:That's low, you sonofabitch!
Squeak:What? Why's that low??
Remer:Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now, but you can't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!
Coop:[almost gets livid, but tries to calm down] I'm doin' the happy dance. Doin' the happy dance... [notices the stethoscope and holds it] Does this thing work?
Remer:Mhm. Yeah.
Coop:[taps it] Can you hear me? [moves its tip towards his mouth]
Remer:[winces] Ah. Yeah, yeah, this is cool. [quickly puts the earpieces on Squeak] Here, check it out.
Squeak:[jumps backwards and away from the couch] Aaagh! [crashes into some stuff. Coop turns to see if Remer was out, but notices him still standing]
Remer:Don't ya wanna get a sandwich?
Coop:Yeah, let's go get a sandwich.
Squeak:[grumbling, cleaning his ears] God damnit! Angh!
[Cain International Sports Enterprises, day.]
Secretary:Mr. Cain. Doug Remer is here to see you.
Cain:Remer? I will ask him to come tomorrow.
Secretary:Well, yes sir, but he's here now in the trophy room.
Cain:The trophy room?
Secretary:Mr. Cain? Mr. Cain? Mr. Cain? [Remer wanders around, picks up a souvenir Ty Cobb bat and swings it around a bit]
Remer:Sweet. [passes by Kareen Abdul Jabbar's goggles and sneakers, takes a good swing... and the bat leaves his hands. He doesn't notice. He stares at a large glass case with Kareem Abdul Jabbar within it. He approaches and bends to read the sign on the case. Kareem turns his head to look at him. Remer gasps when he stands up again]
Cain:[enters the room] Mr. Remer.
Remer:[leaves the case and approaches] Uh hey, Mr. Cain.
Cain:I see you've been admiring my little museum. [Roy wipes some dust off his lapel within his own glass display case alongside Siegfried]
Remer:[shakes Cain's hand] Thu- Is that really...?
Cain:Yes. When I see something I want, I get it. [Siegfried dabs his brow. Cain leads Remer away] Remind me next time you're here to show you THE prize in the whole collection. My autographed Ty Cobb bat. [they pass the fireplace, which is lit and now consumes the bat] I'm planning to expand the museum out here next year.
Remer:Killer setup, Mr. Cain. [Kareem now punches a time card and sets it in its place among the others] What do you pay in rent here?
Cain:Nothing. I own it. Oh that reminds me, um, can you break a twenty?
Remer:What, dollars?
Cain:I didn't think so. Let me get straight to the point, Dong. May I call you Dong?
Remer:Uh. Yeah, I guess...
Cain:Dong, when I see one of baseketball's hottest stars with less than twenty dollars in his wallet, driving an American car and sharing a small house with two other guys, you know what that says to me?
Cain:No. Nono, it... it says you're underappreciated. And underpaid.
Remer:Oh. Well yeah, I mean, well I, I guess we are.underpaid.
Cain:Well I wanna change all that. Players of your calibar should be making the big bucks! [Remer walks onto an escalator and goes down] Don't you agree? [Cain notices his absence and looks over the escalator railing] Remer! [walks back to the top of the escalator and motions for Remer to do the same] Remer! [Remer hops back up to the top and joins Cain] Hey, try to stay with me on this, all right?
Remer:All right.
Cain:Now last week I tried to get Coop to agree to certain rule changes that would make you... millions...
Remer:Me? Millions?
Cain:Uh huh, now listen carefully. Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando? Hardly. He made his fortune moving to LA. You know how much he makes now?
Remer:As much as he made playing in college?
Cain:[now at an electronic door] What? Noo, a lot more! Big money, and you can too.
Remer:Would I have to quit baseketball?
Cain:[incredulous] What?? No! I need you to get Coop to go along!
Remer:He'd have to quit baseketball too??
Cain:[looks at Remer in disbelief, then walks through the doorway] ...Ungh.
Remer:Did I just fart? [Cain enters his private stairway groaning and holding his head together]
[Game night at Roswell Stadium, home of the Aliens. Six cheerleaders gyrate around. One of them is dressed as a space alien]
Michaels:Top of the seventh and those cheers you're hearing from the nearly fifteen thousand on hand here for "Anal Probe Night." [the fans are seen waving probes of some sort around] So two out, and Doug Remer heading for the triple square. He's 0 for twelve so far tonight. In fact, with the exception of Coop, the Beers are ice cold. [Remer just tosses the ball over the backboard. He turns around, stretches his back and walks back to the dugout]
Costas:Ohoh man, that doesn't even qualify as an airball. And the Beers are gone in the seventh. [The smile on the Beers mascot is now a frown] The Aliens now coming up with the top of their order, which, if you're scoring at home, is the same three guys who came up last inning.
Coop:[approaches his team, which is now in a huddle] All right, what the hell is going on?! You guys are lying down out there! [they give him the finger] Oh, I get it. You guys are pissed off! ...uhhh, why?
Remer:[turns and walks by Coop] Dude, you turned down Cain's offer without even talkin' to us.
Teammates:Mhm. Yeah, yeah.
Coop:[looks at the team's reaction, then turns to Remer] All right, whattaya want, dude??
Remer:[turns to Coop] Dude, whattaya think?? We invented this game together but you get to control everything. Listen, Cain has some pretty good ideas-
Coop:Dude, Denslow gave me the team! All right, and I already told Cain "No."
Remer:Dude, I'm sure Denslow is happy in his little worm farm, but us plebeians-
Coop:Dude, I'm not gonna do it!
Remer:All right, dude, listen to me carefully. Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando?
Coop:No, he got rich playing in college. Everybody knows that. But dude, it's not about the money. It's about traditioin! Look, think about the greats who have played this game. [a series of jock straps are showing hanging from a railing] It's because of them. It's because of us, that I can't bow down to a guy like Cain. [one of those jock straps is rather large]
Remer:Dude, that's easy for you to say, because you got the team! We got jack shit! Even Squeak is pissed off!
Squeak:Aw what the hell, I never really minded, it's-
Remer:Shut up, bitch!! [to Coop] Dude, quit thinking about yourself for a change!
Coop:Dude, I'm not gonna cave in! End of story, dude!
Remer:Duude!! [Coop opens his mouth but says nothing. Remer continues firmly] Dude.
Coop:[speechless, mouths around for something to say] I guess you got a point there. All right all right, look. Maybe I was wrong. From now on... we're full partners.
Coop:[turns to face the rest of the team] And you guys! From now on you all own part of the team too.
Squeak:Really? You'd be willing to do that for us?
Coop:And that's not all. I I'm talkin' prime equity stock options! Comprehensive health care! Full dental, traveling HMO, and the first twenty weeks of psychiatric care free of charge! The way it should be!
[Nest scene is at Beers Garden. Music begins to play. The Beers have Squeak on first, Coop on third, and Remer approaches the double square by first base. A vendor tosses a large foam bat to someone in the stands. Remer shoots and scores. Coop comes home while Squeak takes third and Remer second.]
Supersuckers: You've been psyched, and you're going down!
I'm a trash-talkin' talented no-class clown.
I wanna abuse you till you lose!
You can go on home and pout! You've been psyched out!
Fans:Go Beers!
[Next game, against the Informants. Squeak approaches with a mask over his head, but not yet covering his face. He lowers it to hide his face - it's an old man mask. He stands before the player, but the player shoots and scores easily]
[Next game, against Los Angeles]
Coop:Hey Smitch. You wanna see a scary face? [eight coiled noisemakers uncurl as Coop makes a growling noise.] Yeah!
L.A. Player:[screams] Aaaah! [loses his balance and misses the shot.]
Coop:Yeah! [Remer looks at Coop as Coop rejoices. Coop looks back] What?
Remer:Dude! [that display of talent has him bothered]
[Next game, against the Detroit Lemons]
Supersuckers: You ain't cut from the right cloth!
You don't got what it takes!
[Coop approaches a Detroit player as a mime. The player glances, then sets up his shot]
Now you blew it! Oh, another stupid mistake!
Another bad, bad break!
[Coop copies the player's move, but in a gay way. The player looks again, and Coop makes like he's crying and wiping away his tears. The player aims and Coop copies him, then gyrates his hips. The player is offended and hits him with the ball. Coop puts up his fists. but an umpire arrives.]
Umpire:You're out!
Player:He can't do that! What the heck for?! He can't do that!
Umpire:You're out! You're out!
Player:He can't do that! [Coop scolds him behind his back, then puts his elbow on some invisible support, gloating]
Supersuckers: You been psyched out, and you're goin' down!
I'm a trash-talkin' talented, no-class clown!
I will abuse you until you lose!
You can go on home and pout! You've been psyched out!

You've been psyched, but you can't know me!
'Cause I'm a dirty bastard! (He's a dirty bastard!)

[Next game, against the Informants. Squeak again faces an opponent, this time wearing a bloody skeleton mask. The player shoots and scores]
[Next game, against Miami. A Miami player aims and Coop stands before him, facing away. Coop is wearing a jacket]
Player:Ohh! Ugh! Oh shit! [the player runs away. Coop turns around and shows the back of the jacket: DEA POLICE FEDERAL AGENT]
Supersuckers: You can't handle the pressure
Keep your head in the game
You can't do it, and it's a cryin' shame
But you're not to blame
[Next game, against the Defenders. Remer approaches wearing Groucho Marx glasses, nose, and moustache, but his opponent shoots and scores. Remer wears goofy glasses upside down and wiggles his tongue, but his opponent shoots and scores. He tries again, this time using his hands as glasses, but his opponent shoots and scores. He tries a funny face, wagging tongue and funny noises, but his opponent shoots and scores. Remer gets frustrated, so for the next psych out he brings out a 2 by 4 and smacks the player across the back with it, then drives it down into him. An umpire and Coop stop Remer and haul him away. Coop returns and kicks the player a few times]
[Next game, against the Informants. Squeak returns, this time in a devil's mask. Squeak remembers that masks don't work, so he takes it off and looks at the player.]
Player:[horrified] Ye-ee-agh! [loses balance, and falls down, missing the shot. Squeak glances back at the basket]
Supersuckers: Sticks and stones will break your bones
But words will drive you insane
[Next game, against the Lemons. Remer approaches his player with a tape record ready to play something. The player prepares to shoot and the tape starts]
Narrator:There were four of them in the corral. The once-proud beast, the broken girl, her mother, and finally, the man they call "The Whisperer." [having the player's attention, Remer walks up to him and places the recorder next to his ear. An umpire leans in to see what's happening] The woman stared hopefully into the ancient cowboy's weathered face. [the player struggles to stay awake] "Can you help her?" "Lady, I repair cows, not people." [the player falls asleep. Remer picks up a pillow and puts it against the player's face, on the left side. The player leans over and Coop guides him to the floor gently, the pillow now snug against the player's face] His disjointed voice seemed to be coming from afar. [the crowd cheers as Remer lets the player fall. He gestures in satisfied appreciation.]
[The Cain Trophy Room. A TV is on. Remer is shown standing in front of Jenna. Coop runs up and pushes him away.]
Michaels:And the Beers win their tenth consecutive game. I don't know what's gotten them close to the playoffs...
Cain:[watching the aftermath with Yvette] Who's this bimbo Coop's got the hots for?
Yvette:Oh, that's Jenna Reed. She's the director of some kids' charity. Uum, Dream Come True Foundation. [walks off to clean up the fireplace]
Cain:Huh? I know six men on their board of directors. [picks up the phone and presses some buttons] Baxter Cain is not going quietly into the good night!
Yvette:[pulls out an unburnt piece of Cain's prized bat] Hey Baxter?
Cain:Hmm? [turns to look, then lowers the receiver upon seeing the bat]
Yvette:Who's Ty Cobb?
Cain:Oh my God...
Yvette:Did I just fart?
Cain:OGH! [Yvette looks confused]
[Next game, against the Los Angeles Riots. Some cheerleaders shake their pom-poms and then rip off their black pants to reveal red shorts, then turn around and approach the camera jiggling their breasts. Three men holding hot dogs stare intently at the cheerleaders as their frankfurters fly out of their buns. The cheerleaders approach dance poles and slink around them like pros. A Riots player gets ready by pressing some weights over his head]
Costas:Ninth inning. Beers just one out away from making the playoffs. They'll have to get by Biiig Ed Tuttle [the player turns around] and the L.A. Riots... [lets the weights drop from chest-level, and the Garden shakes from the impact] ice this one.
Coop:That's him, Squeak. That's Tuttle.
Remer:He's been talkin' some serious shit about you all night.
Squeak:[looks at Remer] What?
Coop:Yeah. He told everyone that he caught you jacking off in the bathroom before the game.
Squeak:[looks at Coop] ...He saw that??
Coop:You've gotta get this guy, Squeak. [Tuttle bends a crow bar around his own head]
Squeak:Hey man, he's... he's huge. [Tuttle bench-presses a cheerleader] And you want me to psych him out?
Coop:Dude, he'll never expect it coming from you.
Remer:Here, say this. [whispers something into Squeak's ear. Tuttle takes a heavy chain and rips it apart with one jerk-open of his arms]
Squeak:I'm not gonna remember all that.
Remer:All right, here then. [writes a note on Squeak's left hand]
Coop:Come on, this is for the playoffs, dude! [Tuttle starts crocheting] You get this guy and we're in!
Remer:Don't worry. We've got your back. [he and Coop take their positions. Squeak stands before the double square near first base. A massive shadow begins to approach him. It's Tuttle. When Tuttle bounces the ball, the bounces are poundingly loud]
Squeak:Hey Tuttle!
Squeak:[reads from the note] Your mother's deaf.
Tuttle:My mother's dead, you little twerp!
Squeak:[continues reading] I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot. [that trips Tuttle up, and he misses the shot. The ball hits Remer in the groin and Tuttle falls onto the ground like a pile of bricks. Dust rises up around him]
Teammates:Yeah! Yes!
Costas:Unbelievable! The Beers win!
Coop:Yes! Sweet! Dude, we won!
Costas:The Beers have done it.
Coop:Sweet! [kicks Remer in the nuts and jogs off. Remer squats in pain] Yes! [Reel Big Fish goes into a rendition of "Take On Me" Tuttle gets up and growls. Remer stumbles into the Beers mascot. Squeak backs away quietly while he can]
Costas:The Beers win a spot in the playoffs by beating Los Angeles on an unlikely psych-out by Squeak Scolari. [Squeak bolts away. Reel Big Fish continues playing. The Beers cheerleaders pour onto the field and crowd around the players. Tuttle growls even louder]
Squeak:Dude, he's pissed! I didn't go over the line on that, did I?
Coop:Nah, not at all.
Remer:Don't worry about it, dude.
Coop:[notices Jenna by the Beers dugout] Jenna! [walks over to her as the press takes pictures of the players and cheerleaders] Jenna! [she approaches him] You missed it! We won!
Remer:[catching up] We kicked ass! [Jenna looks emotional] Let 'em flow, baby! We're in the playoffs!
Coop:Yeah! Let the tears come! You're gonna make me start crying now.
Remer:You know? I guess this really is emotional.
Coop:Should we do it? Should we just cry?
Remer:[to Coop] I think we should. I mean, no one's watchin'.
Coop:[emotional] We won the game, we've got friends, we've got everything.
Remer:My whole fam-
Jenna:Will you stop that?! [Coop and Remer stop and look] I'm not... crying because I'm happy. I just got the news: our funding's been cut. They're gonna close the Foundation.
Remer:[to Coop] ...Can they do that?? [the Riots have caught Squeak and toss him around like an exercise ball. Squeak screams all the while]
Coop:...Oh those... those poor kids... We can't let this happen.
Remer:We've gotta do something.
Jenna:[sobbing] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come here and ruin your big night. I'm sorry. [runs to an exit by the side of the garage façade]
Coop:No Jenna! Jenna, wait. [he and Remer follow]
Cain:Gentlemen. [they stop]
Remer:Mr. Cain.
Cain:[puts away a telescoping eavesdropper] I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Miss Reed.
Coop:Dude, what are you doing here?
Cain:Oh I jet here, I jet there. Anyway, I just wanted to assure you: there's no reason for your girlfriend's foundation to go into chapter 11. Or for that matter, 12, 13, or 14. Ah, but I think I may have a solution to her problem. [takes a magazine from his aide and shows a page of it to Coop] There. Time-tested money-maker. Every athlete does it.
Coop:You want me to have bigger titties?
Cain:What? No, no. [points to the ad on the facing page] The clothing line. A Beers clothing line.
Coop:No. Dude. That's against the baseketball bylaws.
Cain:Not if the proceeds go to charity. Think about it. Miss Reed's foundation will never have to worry about funding again.
Remer:Awesome, dude. I think we should definitely do it.
Coop:Escuse us. [takes Remer aside. The Riots have stuffed Squeak down the basket and are using his head as a punching bag] Look, will you let me do the talking here? There's no way I'm doing any kind of deal with this piece of shit.
Remer:Wait, I thought it was we. Remember, it's not just up to you anymore.
Coop:All right, well, we can come up with a better way to get money for Jenna. [Cain walks up to them]
Remer:Like how? [Coop shifts in position, but comes up empty] See? Thought so. Mr. Cain?
Remer:As part owner of the Beers, I'd just like to say "Where do I sign?" [holds out his hand, and Cain shakes it]
Cain:Congratulations, Dong. This is gonna change your life. [Coop walks off in a huff]
Remer:I look out for my wimmens! [he and Cain start walking]
Cain:Now, before we discuss fabric or color, we've gotta decide where we can make this stuff cheap.
Squeak:[at the same time] Freedon! Freeeedoommm! [the Riots have turned the garage door into a makeshift rack. Squeak is tied to the top of the door and to two posts on the ground. The Riots push the garage door up, causing Squeak to stretch along the arms and legs. Remer doesn't hear him]
Remer:[to Cain] Right.
Cain:We're gonna do a big media blitz. And don't worry about Coop, he'll come around.
[A clothing line premiere. Remer, Coop, and Cain are present. Remer is excited, Cain is proud, Coop is not pleased and has his arms crossed over his chest. Cain tries to cheer him up, then back up to show off the new logo. The cover is ripped away to reveal "BEERSWEAR. The Superstar of Fashion" BW is shown in huge letters behind "BEERSWEAR". Next scene is one of Remer getting a manicure and a pedicure while he picks out what fashions he'll wear next. Next scene: he walks down a spiral staircase into a crowd of fans. Next scene: he's in photo spreads with four models showing off the baseketball and the Beerswear line. Next scene: Baxter lingers over an ad for Beerswear in Total Woman. Next scene: a game. Coop leans forward in his seat to see a Remer with wild color in his hair and an earing in his left ear. He's awed and disgusted by it. The fans, by comparison, like this new Remer.]
Anchor 1:[right side] Hi there. I'm Dan Patrick.
Anchor 2:[left side] And I'm Kenny Mayne.
Patrick:With the first seven months of the baseketball post-season out of the way, the playoff picture is now starting to emerge.
Mayne:So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number down to three.
Patrick:Right, and then... the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.
Mayne:So if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup. Unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play L.A. and Pittsburgh in a blind choice Round Robin. And if new clear winner emerges from all this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion is crowned.
[Beers Garden, playoff game. The fans chant "Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop! ..."]
Costas:[disheveled and sweaty] After the grueling regular baseketball season, we're now in month nine of the playoffs. [looks down at Michaels, who is asleep on the booth. Costas rouses him by shaking his right shoulder. Coffee cups are strewn all over the place]
Michaels:[groggy] No daddy! Don't touch me there! [looks around, then slowly drops into sleep again]
Costas:The Beers vying with San Francisco for a slot on the Denslow cup game. [Coop approaches his square and sets up to shoot] Ninth inning, Ferries up by one. Coop steps in. It's back! Way back! Good!! Home run! [the fans stand and cheer. Michaels lifts his head up] Coop ties it up! That could mean extra innings. [Michaels lets his head drop again. The cheerleaders cheer Coop home. Coop rejoices as Jenna, Joey, and the other kids look on from the stands. Coop sees her and waves, then enters the dugout. He and Squeak hi-five each other, then he notices Remer sitting in a lounge chair and adorned with gold chains around his neck. Next to Remer is a short bench with a bunch of letters on them. Coop, having nowhere to sit, brushes them off angrily and sits next to Remer. He notices an aide looking over Remer's left shoulder]
Coop:What's this guy?
Remer:He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.
Coop:Oh, now that you're Mr. Big Shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? [shakes his head] Sellout.
Announcer:Now shooting, number 17, Doug "Sir Swish" Remer! [Remer walks out and waves to his fans. His shirt now flashes "REMER" on the back in little white lights. Coop leans forward and looks hard at this. Remer then does a cartwheel and two back flips into the home run circle. An umpire hands him a baseketball and skates away. Remer shows off for Jenna and the kids. Remer shoots the home run basket and makes it look easy. He shrugs.]
Michaels:[haggardly] Beers win. Beers win. [A Beers watergirl arrives with a folding director's chair and sets it down for him to sit in. He dons some sunglasses and sits in the chair nonchalantly, then motions someone over. Another player who looks and dresses like him comes in and rounds the bases for him]
Costas:And the Beers have done it! They're on their way to the Denslow cup.
[Post-game, in the shower room. Coop emerges from the steam and looks around. He notices the hot tub and approacahes it. Remer is in there kissing away with a lovely model and still wearing those gold chains around his neck]
Coop:Dude, who is that?
Remer:[looks back] Who does it look like? [goes back to kissing the woman, on the shoulder]
Coop:[softly] Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year.
Remer:Hello?? Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year?? [resumes kissing her]
[A pair of hands opens a small jewelry box and the right hand pulls out a plain ring]
Remer:What's that? [the hands belong to Coop, and he and Remer are in the locker room changing clothes]
Coop:It's a commitment ring.
Remer:What, for Jenna?
Coop:Yeah. I'm letting her know that I'm ready to consider thinking about dating her exclusively.
Remer:[reaches up into his clothing stall and pulls down his own little box] Well I'm giving Jenna a pre-commitment ring. [opens the box and places it next to Coop's. The ring Remer plans to give Jenna has a large stone set where Coop's ring has no stone.] It's a promise to pledge that we'll think about getting engaged just as soon as we're ready to make a commitment.
Coop:You know what- what the hell are you talking about?? You don't care about Jenna! You were just in the hot tub naked with Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year!
Remer:You know what? That hurts, man, that really hurts! My clothing line is single-handedly saving Jenna's foundation.
Coop:[a bit sarcastic] Oh, sorry. I forgot how much Doug Remer cares about kids.
Cain:Gentlemen. [they turn and look]
Coop:Mr. Cain.
Cain:[holds a large manila envelope] I hate to interrupt your celebration, but I have something you might be interested in. [he tosses it onto the bench in front of them. It contains photographs. The penises it lands in front of are as long as the legs they hang between] Go ahead. Don't be shy. [Coop picks up the envelope] It concerns you. Open it! [Coop opens the envelope. Cain looks off in another direction] I think you'll find it interesting. What's that old saying? Aaaahh...
Remer:A penny saved is a penny earned? Uh, don't eat cheese before noon.
Cain:Shut up! [Remer is startled. Cain continues softly] How about, uh, one picture is worth a thousand words.
Remer:Aw, that's a good one. [picks up a pen and notepad and writes it down.]
Coop:God, these are awful! What kind of low-life scum would use children this way?
Coop:Me? Never.
Cain:Gentlemen, those are pictures of the Beers clothing line being made in... Cal-cutta.
Coop:Ugh, just great!
Cain:Of course, if they ever get out, the Beers and your girlfriend's little foundation would be ruined.
Coop:Yipes. [turns slowly away]
Cain:But rest assured, there's no reason to be panicked. Those pictures never have to see the light of day. if...
Coop:If [his penis swings around and lands with a thud] what?? [Cain's eyes follow the penis and then look back at Coop]
Cain:...If two miss ...the next Beers game.
Remer:Dude, the next game is the Denslow Cup!
Cain:I can see you've been reading the papers. Listen, boys, just do as I say, you play ball, and you'll be just fine.
Coop:[thinking he has Cain in a contradiction] I thought you said you didn't want us to play ball!
Cain:I want you to play ball. With me.
Remer:[dumbly] You want us to play for Dallas??
Cain:Unh? [his headache returns] Unh?? Unh??
Coop:Oh, I get it! You don't want us to show up at the game at all!
Cain:Of course, you numbskulls! It's called blackmail! Good evening! [turns around and walks off, inspecting their penises ones more]
Coop:Gad-damnit Remer, I told you this was gonna happen, didn't I?!
Remer:Hey, if you had agreed to Cain's changes in the first place, it never would have gotten this far!
Coop:Dude, because of you, Jenna foundation is totally screwed!!
Remer:Me?? I was the one trying to-!
Jenna:Oh, there you are!
Jenna:I saw the pictures! [throws her envelope down before the boys] This is awful. It's gonna mean the end of the foundation, you know? It's not endowed, like... [notices that these two men are indeed endowed] Weh'm, like... Uh...
Coop:Jenna, I can explain.
Remer:Yes. It was his fault.
Coop:Me?? This is your mess, Remer! I should've kept the team to myself!
Remer:Dude, I just don't know you anymore!
Jenna:Enough!! [they turn and face her] You're just typical men with HUMUNGOUS... egos! You're like every other pro athlete! I should have kept those kids from you! Now their little lives are ruined and all you can do is argue about who has the bigger penis?! I mean, child. Hm, longwanger! Oh! [covers her mouth] Throbbing cock! OH! God, I don't even know what I mean anymore! [walks out of the room in frustration]
Coop:Jenna, wait!
Remer:You gotta believe us, Jenna! It was all Coop's fault! [the door closes]
Coop:[puts his left arm over Remer's shoulder] Remer, can I talk to you here, for a moment?
Coop:You know something, pigfucker? Can I call you pigfucker?
Remer:No, only my friends can call me pigfucker. [Coop attacks him from behind and both men go down. They get up, with Coop having Remer by the nose] Jesus! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! [Remer breaks the hold] You know what, Coop?? [beat] You're not my best friend anymore! How do you like that?!
Coop:I love it!
Remer:Good! I'm glad! [puts on a custom Sir Swish bathrobe] I'm sick of playing second fiddle to you and you getting all the recognition! I'm gettin' myself a new best friend! [goes to Squeak's stall, pulls out the drawer beneath the stall, and yanks Squeak up. Squeak was sleeping in there with a teddy bear] Wake up, bitch! You're my new best friend!
Squeak:Really? What? What? Are we goin' to the zoo?
Remer:[exiting] Come on!
Coop:Fine! I don't need you! I'll get myself a new best friend, too! So go ahead! Go back to your fancy cars! And your big bank accounts! And your celebrity friends! And your beautiful women. And Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year... Fuck!!
[The drive home. Coop is going down the road in a new red Beetle. A song plays from his radio]
[slow, like a ballad]
Your life is spinnin' out of control
Seems the whole world is out to get you
And everything is wrong. Nothin' seems right-ih
There's a sinking feeling inside-eh
Even your best friend has turned his back
But you can't let it bring you down, no, you've got to fight-eh

'Cause you try, but you can't let go___

[the tempo picks up and Coop begins to drum to the song on his steering wheel]
It's when you're down that you gotta get up-uh
Don't let 'em walk all over your face-uh
Stand up for yourself and make everything
Right again

[he switches from fingers to fists, his determination returning]
Even if some guy's tryin' to blackmail you
[he stops drumming, as the song seems to be addressing him]
And your girlfriend thinks you suck
It's up to you to let them know that it was all just part of
Some rich guy's evil plan

[he begins tapping the steering wheel again]
Look out ahead, there's a truck changin' lanes
[he hears a truck and looks off to his left]
You got some yellow crumbs on your upper lip
[he checks his upper lip]
And those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away
[he looks down with big eyes at his groin, then the radio, and thinks about turning it off]
'Less you start using topical cream everyday
[he turns the car around and goes back the way he came. A sign on the side of the road indicates where he's going - the airport]
[India, day. An airplane lands. Three women wearing tall headdresses walk by the camera]
Announcer:Welcome to Calcutta International Airport, where it is currently ninety-five degrees with a light drizzle. We hope you enjoy your stay here in lovely Calcutta. [people enter and exit the airport through small doors. Coop exits]
Coop:Taxi! [approaches a taxi. A man gets his goat out of the taxi] Aw, aww!
Passenger:Amoka, come on. [leaves and Coop quickly takes the back seat of the taxi, closing the door]
Coop:Driver, I'm in a hurry. Look, just take me to 7-1-1 [a new goat smacks him and hops into a storage area in back] Aw! [the taxi pulls away]
[M. Gandhi Inc., Exclusive Manufacturers of BW Beerswear and Snoop Dog 'Ds Rags, at 711]
Driver:Here you are. Beerswear Factory. [Coop exits and heads straight for the entrance]
Coop:Hey you, is this?
Man:[stands to block the doorway] Ah I'm sorry. No entrance.
Coop:Who the hell are you?
Man:I factory manager. Who you?
Coop:I Joe Cooper. I mean, I'm Joe Cooper.
Manager:Wait, Mr. Cooper! You must put on hard hat!
Coop:[walks through the factory floor] Aww, this is awful. [the floor is full of kids assembling high-end Beerwswear sneakers on a conveyor belt. A row of tables next to it has kids assembling clothes] Ooohh, this isn't good! Do the authorities know about this?? Oh! Awww!
Manager:Wait, Mr. Cooper, wait! Wait, please, Mr. Cooper!
Coop:Put that down!
[Beers Garden, Milwaukee, footage of a victory. Cheerleaders swarm around Coop, Remer, and Squeak. A segment of "Unsolved Mysteries"]
Host:A man, his whole life in front of him, disappears. [the newsroom] A familiar story, yes. But this is no ordinary Joe. Joseph R. Cooper, perhaps the most loved sports figure in the whole country, vanished. [an alley, he wears an overcoat. Fog rolls in behind him] According to Mrs. Elsie Melcher, a neighbor who asked not to be identified, Joe Cooper left his house two weeks ago. And according to Angelique Bones, a nosey bitch who lives up the street, he took with him only a toothbrush, a wallet, a steamer trunk, and a plane ticket to Calcutta. Police theorize several scenarios of what happened to the man affectionately known as Coop.
Remer:[in a car licking a woman's fingers, looks up] Well I don't know where the hell he is. For all I care he can be hanging by his neck in his fuckin' closet.
Host:Scenario number one: he's hanging by his nick in his fucking closet. [a reenactment shows an elderly man smoking as he hangs from a closet. Next shot is back at the newsroom. The staff is either playing Solitaire or watching videos on their computers] The night before his disappearance, Coop's girlfriend had paid him a visit. According to friends, they had quarreled.
Jenna:[bitterly] If you're looking for Joe Cooper, I suggest you look wherever you can find the most heinous, blatant, and vile exploitation of children on the planet.
Host:Scenario number two: Coop went to Disney World. [long pause] Here is a photograph of Joe Cooper taken just days before his disappearance. [a current photo appears in a window over his right shoulder] And here's a computer-enhanced simulation of what he might look like today. [a picture of Mr. T appears over his left shoulder]
[The Denslow Cup begins. Its logo comes up. This is Denslow Cup V.]
Michaels:From Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on the shores of Lake Michigan, it's the Denslow Cup, where the defending champions Dallas Felons meet their perennial challengers, the Milwaukee Beers. [the logos for each team appear and then move off. Cut to their press box, with the field at their backs] Hello, I'm Al Michaels along with Bob Costas, inviting you to join us here at Beers Garden for Denslow Cup V. And we're in for a classic battle tonight.
Costas:You're absolutely right about that, Al. We have over a hundred million people throughout the world tuned in to see this game. [nations from around the world have sent in reporters to cover the game, and they all sit in their own press box] Many of them, of course, with no understanding of the game itself, but nontheless fascinated by the flickering images and the bright pretty colors.
Michaels:And high up in the stands, pyrotechnic expert, Sergio "Lucky" Faroush, is readying another spectacular halftime fireworks display. [Lucky comes in with a box of fireworks, waves at the camera and goes back to work.]
Remer:[walks into the dugout wearing his uniform... and a crown, robe, and gold chains, carrying a royal staff] All right you guys, are you ready to kick some ass?? [the players glance at him and return to their thoughts] What's wrong, you guys? Why the long faces?
Squeak:We miss Coop. We can't win without him. [other players take Remer's crown, robe, and staff and put them aside]
Remer:We don't need Coop. I'll lead you to victory. [trades his sunglasses for his playing glasses]
Squeak:We're supposed to be a team. Without Coop it's not the same.
Remer:Look. Even if Coop were to walk in here right now, it wouldn't change the outcome of the game one iota! [Remer turns to face the field. Coop enters the dugout while Remer isn't looking] We can win this thing!! Are you with me?? [the other players notice Coop and walk up to him]
Remer:[pleased] That's the spirit! Are you with me??
A Player:All right, Coop's here! [Remer quickly turns around, and Coop gives him a stern look. Remer turns back and bites his finger]
Michaels:And we're underway here for Denslow Cup V. [The Felons score every time their turns come up and the cheerleaders whip themselves into a frenzy. More scoring ensues, no matter what psych out the Beers players come up with. The Beers players, on the other hand, miss every shot, even with no psych outs to stop them.]
[The kids, looking on from a room at the Foundation, just bury their heads in their hands with every missed shot]
Costas:A stunned crowd of over eighteen thousand, witnessing the Beers being thoroughly dominated by the Dallas Felons. [a girl leaves her seat and runs out of the room as Jenna brings a boy in to watch the game]
Joey:Come on, Beers! Go Coop!
Jenna:[noticing what the kids are watching] Hey guys, I thought I told you we weren't gonna watch this game.
Joey:Aw, come on, Miss Reed. It's the Denslow Cup!
Jenna:These are not the kind of people to be looked up to or emulated. [takes the remote from another girl and switches the channel with it]
Kids:[sadly] Awww...
Host:A severed and mutilated head was stamped and post-marked Denver. The owner still has not stepped forward. [Jenna tries to switch channels again, but the remote fails to work] Update: the disappearance of the Milwaukee Beers baseketball star. When Joe Cooper discovered that most of the workers in the Beerswear factory were youngsters not even old enough for prostitution he personally flew to Calcutta. [Jenna stops and watches] His new all-adult workforce now makes a decent wage, [Coop paces the floor checking up on his workers, smiling. Some workers now work at computer terminals. Some of the kids who used to work there look in through a window from outside] enjoys full medical benefits and in-house child care. [other workers sew the shoes together properly. He has them stand to make the Pledge of Allegiance] All of us here are glad that such a terrific human being like Joe Cooper has returned. If I were a woman, I'd sure like to be his girlfriend. [she begins to think things over] Walking in the park hand in hand, wrapping my legs around him, cuddling in the spoon position, our hearts beating in unison, staring into his eyes over our morning coffee. [someone splashes a cup of water on him] Ugh... yes. Heheh yes, thank you. When we come back, our next unsolved mystery: Coop's luggage. Where did it go?
Jenna:Come on, kids. We're going to the game!
[A bunch of dancers pour out onto the field dressed in wild colors and styles and begin to dance. The song playing is Harry Belafonte's "Jump In The Line"]
Announcer:Ladies and Gentlemen, for your seventh inning stretch entertainment, the National Baseketball League is proud to present a salute to our South See neighbors, Viva Calypso!
[In the stands]
Cain:[on the phone] We're up 16-nothing at the break. Have the trucks pull up at the locker room. We'll sort out the stuff when we get to Jacksonville. Okay. [hangs up]
Yvette:[sits down next to him holding a metallic object] Hey Baxter? I finally got all the chrome off this for you.
Cain:Nice. Very nice.
Yvette:[bringn up a matching piece with the chrome still on] Do ya want me to start on this one? [the song ends and the lights go out]
[On the field]
Announcer:[spotlights, and the lights come up] Ladies and Gentlemen, please direct your attention now to the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust, [a large board is suspended from four supports. One end has a fake volcano] a symbol of brotherhood in many Polynesian countries. Assuming the roles of the downtrodden but happy natives, with their good-luck pineapple, your Milwaukee Beers! [the fans applaud. Coop and Remer are dressed as natives, Squeak as the pineapple]
Remer:Thanks for flying back, Coop. You really made a big difference in the score.
Coop:Dude, if I wouldn't have been cleaning up your mess, I wouldn't be jet-lagged and shitting curry!
Squeak:Hey guys! Let's knock it off, all right?
Announcer:And representing their white colonial oppressors, the Dallas Felons! [three players dressed as explorers and carrying torches] And now, let's all join our Caribbean brothers in the ceremonial South Sea handshake above the Lagoon of Peace. [Coop and Remer shake hands and Squeak looks around.]
Coop:All right, let go.
Remer:You let go.
Coop:Stop it. [Remer won't let go and Coop yells through gritted teeth] Stop it! [some grunts follow]
Squeak:Guys, come on, man! Will you stop it!
Squeak:Guys! Stop it! [Coop and Remer begin to fight with their torches. The flames leave their holders. Squeak strouggles to stay on the board] Whoa! [the fighting gets more intense] Hey! [Coop and Remer stumble to the Dallas side and knock down the Dallas players]
Coop:You son of a bitch!
Remer:You asshole! [other people rush in to help the Dallas players off. Remer and Coop stand up on the board again]
Someone:Out! Out! Out!
Squeak:[stumbling] Whoa.
Remer:Eat shit!
Squeak:Hey!! [they turn to see him] Will you just stop it?! Will you just hold on a minute?! Look at you guys! [everyone else begins to settle down and listen. His words are heart-felt] Fighting on the Malaka-Laka Board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest levels, ...and you're throwing it all away. [Yvette seems to have second thoughts as Cain talks on the phone again] If you've forgotten what baseketball means to America, you have only to look at this board! The Malaka-Laka Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can ...get together on the same field and compete as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. And more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. [men at each end of the board pull down on the ends with ropes] I remember a long time ago I didn't have anybody. And you guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. [Coop and Remer bow their heads in thought] If we can't be friends, then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. And I know I'll never get that back again. [Coop and Remer look at each other] God, we have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!! [the men at Squeak's end of the board lose their grip on the rope and Squeak is launched through the air and across the Garden. The Felons end of the board goes down and everyone falls off] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! [the crowd rises and gasps. Squeak ends up in the pyrotechnic area head first, and the first fireworks are set off. Coop and Remer are back on the board on their bellies, looking over the end over the volcano]
Coop:Hang on!
Remer:Oh my God!
Coop:Remember to hold your breath just before we hit!
Remer:Never let gooo-! [they fall off head first, sommersault-style. The fireworks now go off one by one and the crowd reacts approvingly]
[In the booth]
Michaels:[looks around in amazement] Bob, this has to be the most spectacular extravanza I have ever seen.
[In the stands Yvette looks out into the field for the Beers players as Cain talks on the phone]
Cain:We're gonna cram three seats into the space it takes for one wheelchair, [Yvette notices the awful talk Cain is sending over the phone] not to mention the wasted space it takes for the oxygen bottle. Hell, those, those shits never pay full-price anyway.
Yvette:Baxter, I just realized, I can't stand you! [Cain looks up from his conversation] You can kiss these puppies good-bye! [more fireworks.]
[By the Lagoon of Peace, inside the volcano. Coop and Remer stand up and gather themselves, dirty and groaning from all the fighting and falling]
Remer:Oh, shit, Coop, I'm sorry. I guess the money did go to my head.
Coop:No I, I'm sorry, Remer. I ...think I've got a lot to learn about sharing.
Remer:Look at me. I've become everything I used to hate.
Coop:Yeah. Maybe we ...just grew up too fast.
Remer:Our worst enemy turned out to be
Coop:[they look lovingly at each other] Dude.
Remer:Dude. [gives Coop a French kiss. They go at it for several seconds before a fireman pops up next to them]
Fireman:Hey, look! I've got two over- [looks at them and decides to say nothing more. He leaves. The fireworks continue and Coop and Remer kiss until a buzzer sounds indicating the end of the seventh inning stretch. They break the kiss and look around]
Coop:All right. Let's go win ourselves a championship!
Coop, Remer:Yeah!! [jump out of the volcano]
[The Beers Garden, newly clean and ready for gameplay. Coop takes a shot and scores. Remer takes a shot and scores. Remer takes a shot and scores. He pumps his arm. The Beers score begins to rise. Three windows appear, each indicating a player's time up. Coop to the left, Squeak in the middle, Remer to the right, each taking a shot. All of them score. Now the Felons are up. Coop faces a large player and brings in two dwarf jesters spinning plates on poles and on the horns on a Viking helmet. The Felon loses balance and falls. The ball breaks a few plates. The Felon looks up and the dwarves laugh at him. The Beers' turn to shoot: Remer shoots from the home run circle. Coop follows up with his own home run. The Felon's turn to shoot: Remer faces a player]
Remer:Yo, Darcy! Yeah? [whips open the left side of his jersey to reveal a woman bent over on his T-shirt]
Darcy:Hey, that's my wife!
Remer:Yeah? [whips open the right side of his jersey to reveal the man behind her, inside her...] And this is me! [Darcy falls over in disbelief and misses his shot. The Beers players score so well they now perform trick shots and score at will. Their run total begins to smoke. The Felons now take their turn at the basket]
Squeak:Hey Dirk!
Dirk:[dismissive] What is it?
Squeak:I hear your sister is going out with Squeak! [Dirk falls, and Squeak grins at his teammates] Hey! [The Beers' turn. Squeak scores four home runs in a row, and by the fourth one he stumbles across home plate and collapses. Coop arrives, scoops him up, and takes him to the dugout like a sack of potatoes.]
Michaels:And Squeak Scolari crosses the plate again as the Beers have come roaring back since the break. Bob, this is more like the Beers team we've seen all season.
[A taxi. Jenna is packed in the back seat with six kids. The driver isn't immediately seen]
Costas:Ninth inning, two outs, Beers still down by two runs. Felons on first and third.
[Back at Beers Garden. The scoreboard shows 16-14 Dallas leading, with men on first and third, as mentioned]
Costas:The Beers have to stop Dallas here, if they wanna stay in this game.
Michaels:And the always dangerous Grunsky coming up. [Remer and Squeak approach Coop]
Remer:You've got to get this guy, Coop. He hasn't missed a shot all night.
Coop:I know, but I don't know what to say. Nothing works on him.
Squeak:Hey! Tell him he's fat.
Coop:Dude, that's not cool.
Squeak:Yeah it is.
Coop:That's not cool.
Remer:Nonono, just do it really subtle.
Coop:...Subtle. [turns to face Grunsky as Remer and Squeak leave] Hey Grunsky, you losing weight? [begins to talk like ... "South Park"'s Cartman and holds his arms out wide as if holding on to a large barrel] Ey, you guys! Seriousleh! I'm fuckin' fat! Geez, you guys! I'm fuckin' fat! God-damnit, I'm so fuckin' fat! [Grunsky loses his balance and falls down. Coop is knocked off his feet. The Garden shakes and the fans cheer in a standing ovation]
Costas:And the Beers hold them in the ninth on a clutch psych out by Coop Cooper! [Beers' turn up, and the crowd chantes "Coop!" The score remains unchanged] Bottom of the ninth. Dallas, sixteen. Milwaukee, fourteen. Remer on second. Scolari on third. And Coop's comin' up. [the camera focuses on Coop as he approaches the home run circle] And so it all comes down to this. One shot. Coop makes it, the Beers win the Cup, and get to keep the team.
Michaels:Or, he misses. [nothing more need be said. Coop arrives at the circle with his home-made LA-Z-BOY baseketball and dribbles. On the third dribble it flattens]
Michaels:Oh my God! LA-Z-BOY has popped! [Coop picks up his beloved LA-Z-BOY and looks it over, deeply saddened. He looks around not knowing what to do] The ball Coop has used every day of his career is gone [the buzzer sounds] and a time-out has been called as the Beers star tries to regroup.
[Back in the taxi, hearing the game]
Jenna:Excuse me, driver. Do you think you can go any faster?
Driver:[leans his head back and looks at her] Can I go any faster?? [puts on his helmet]
Driver:Hang on! [shifts into high gear. The taxi he drives moves out to the left and passes the car to its right. It hits a raccoon, sending it flying through the air]
Kids:YAAAY!! Wooooo!! [the taxi speeds along]
[Back at the Garden. Coop franticly feels each baseketball on the rack for the one with the closest feel to the LA-Z-BOY]
Costas:No doubt about it, Al. The loss of this ball is definitely goin' to affect the outcome of this game. [Outside, the taxi arrives, screeching to a stop with the help of a parachute in front of the ticket booth. Coop is still sifting through the baseketballs]
Playera:Ey, ey. Ey!
Jenna:[on the sidewalk] Come on, kids. [the kids have already bolted and are running towards the entrance] Thomas where are you going? Wait! Stop! [the taxi takes off. Inside Coop prepares to enter the field. Remer walks up and plants a basebetball in Coop's hands]
Remer:It's just one shot. You can do it! We can win this thing!
Players:Come on, Coop. You can do it! Yeah! Come on, Coop! Do it! [Coop looks sad for not shooting with his LA-Z-BOY]
Joey:[off screen] Coop! [Coop turns to look] Stop! Don't shoot! [Joey rushes down to the dugout with a bowling bag. Coop walks up to him] Wait.
Joey:Here. [opens the bag, revealing his own baseketball] I brought this for you. [Coop takes it out and looks it over, glancing at Joey from time to time] I made it myself. Just like you.
Coop:Dude, you made this?
Joey:Well Miss Reed helped me for most of it. [a shot of Jenna and the other kids] But I finished it myself.
Coop:Joey, this is great! [this baseketball is a BarcaLounger]
Joey:Coop, you know what Miss Reed told me tonight? She said she wants me to be a big sports star. Just like Joe Cooper. [Coop's gaze goes from Joey to Jenna, and she grins a wide grin. Coop slowly smiles in return. The moment between the two is interrupted by a whistle, and Coop looks once again at Joey]
Coop:Thanks, dude.
Joey:Go get 'em, Coop. [the fans cheers as Coop slowly enters the home run circle]
Grunsky:Hey Coop! What's the last time you made a home run without LA-Z-BOY? [the fans chant "COOP!" slowly. Coop looks over at Jenna and the kids, makes a faint smile, then turns to the basket. Remer is on second, Squeak is on third]
Costas:Al, we have seen some classic Denslow Cup battles in the past, but I can't remember one [Squeak: "Come on!"] that ever rivaled the drama and excitement of this one. [Coop shoots. The ball sails through the air. Joey hides his face in Jenna's coat sleeve. The ball hits the basket. Cain rises from his seat] It's off the rim! [Darcy takes the ball and tosses it back towards the basket] Could be a double play. Darcy tips. [Coop begins his run at the ball. The ball bounces off the backboard and Jansen recovers] Jansen's try. [...and misses] No. [Remer takes off into the air and the fans stand] The Beers have a shot at the conversion. [Remer catches the ball and shoots] Remer keeps it alive! [Coop stops and looks at the ball as it bounces off the rim] Last chance! [realizes he has to back up, and so rushes back to get the ball] Coop up. [facing away from the basket, he shoots up and back. The Felons look at the ball as it hits the back of the rim and bounces] It's... [the ball goes in] Good! [the Felons grab their heads, Cain winces. Squeak jumps up with joy, as does Remer. Jenna picks Joey up so he can see the winning shot. Coop, sprawled out over the home run circle, rises and looks at the scoreboard. It now reads 17-16 Beers leading. Fireworks begin to go off around the scoreboard. Coop opens his arms, smiles, and begins his run around the bases. He rounds first base and high-fives Remer]
Michaels:[gushing] Bob, in all my years of calling games I don't think I've ever been this excited!
Costas:You're excited? Feel these nipples! [opens his coat. Coop rounds third and heads for home.]
Host:["Unsolved Mysteries." The game plays over his left shoulder] Update: We still have no fucking clue where this guy is.
[Beers Garden. Coop reaches his teammates, and they give each other lazy salutes. The cheerleaders pour onto the field with the rest of the players. Coop looks around for Jenna. They find each other and Jenna jumps into the air, wrapping her legs around him. They twirl around a few times and kiss. Squeak and Remer look at someone, the woman from the bar. She thrusts her arms open and Squeak rushes into them with enthusiasm. They cuddle. Remer, with no woman to hug, looks around and rests his eyes on ... Yvette. He approaches her and taps her on the arm. She turns around and jumps on him, kissing him madly. Squeak's girl begins to bounce him up and down]
Squeak:Hey! [bounce] Whoa! [bounce] Hey! [bounce] Come on! [bounce] Hey! [bounce...]
Coop:[autographs some items] All right. [notices someone coming towards him wearing a New York baseball cap and open Yankees jacket]
Jenna:Coop, what? Who is it? [fans request his autographs on magazines and such]
Coop:It's Reggie. [the man draws close and lifts his head, smiling] Reggie Jackson. [Reggie tips his cap to Coop]
Jenna:Well go. Go ahead. [smiles. Coop walks over and meets Jackson]
Coop:Reggie. [takes his hand and shakes it]
Reggie:Coop. Nice going out there.
Coop:Thanks, man. But, you know, I gotta tell you, it's 'cause of you that I'm here.
Reggie:That's nice to know. I brought this for ya. [hands him the deflated LA-Z-BOY] I saw some kid try to leave the ball park with it. You've gotta hang on to that. [Coop flashes a quick smile] I got the two home run balls I hit in the world series. [casts his eyes down] Some wretched little shit got the third one.
Coop:[shakes his head, not able to say he was that shit] That sucks, dude. [takes a quick glance at the exit] I gotta get my trophy. Uh, maybe we can have a hot dog sometime. [a quick handshake good-bye]
Reggie:All right, sounds good. [Coop leaves] Hey Coop!
Coop:[spins around] I have your fuckin' ball!
Reggie:[a bit cowed] Good luck next year!
Coop:Oh. Thanks. [thumbs-up, then leaves]
Yvette:[on Remer's arm] Hey Baxter! [Remer unbuttons his shirt. Cain looks at her]
Remer:Got milk? [squeezes his teats, which shoot off streams of milk at Cain's face. Yvette snuggles up to Remer] Oh, I'm sorry. [Cain gargles, turns around, and falls down]
Announcer:And so, on behalf of the National Baseketball League, we'd like to present to the Beers this year's Denslow Cup. Congratulations! [Coop and Remer hold up the trophy between them, and they're grinning wide. The other players touch it] Go ahead and take a victory lap. [Coop, Remer and Squeak start the lap] And so as they skate off, all I can think about is a team that conquered adversity. A team that overcame the odds. A team that defied the critics. A team that... blah blah blah blah. A team that, uh...
Narrator:And so, the ideal of sports once again blossomed from a tiny seed, nurtured as always by the dreams of the young.
Squeak:Yeah! Wooooo, yeah! Wooooo, yeah! [he now sits in the bowl atop the Cup as Coop and Remer ] I'm the king of the world! Yeeaaahhhh! [smacks the basket and falls off the trophy.] AAAGH!! [The last shot is of an American flag waving in the wind, superimposed on a frozen image of Coop and Remer holding the trophy, smiling openly as they round second base]
[The End. The Supersuckers' "Psyched Out" plays over the credits. Another song follows, then...]
Costas:[gestures as if to tap Michaels' shoulder] Dude.
Michaels:[gestures in response] Dude.
Costas:[taps Michaels' shoulder] Dude!
Michaels:[lovingly] Dude. [they begin to embrace, but he reaches up and lowers a curtain. This really is "The End"]